


You Took My Hand (And Then We Both Started Running)

by rainbowchristy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Adoption, Afterlife, Alternate Universe - College/University, Arguing, Babies, Birthday, Broken Bones, Bullying, Caregiver Phil Lester, Character Death, Childhood Friends, Children, Christmas, Coming Out, Crossdressing, Dating, Dogs, Dresses, Elementary School, Engagement, Fainting, Ficmas 2018, First Dates, First Time, Fluff, High School, Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Making Out, Non-Sexual Age Play, Pining, Postpartum Depression, Presents, Prom, Relapsing, Roommates, Self-Harm, Sex Education, Sleepovers, Slurs, Smut, Stress, Suicide Attempt, The Talk, Underage Sex, Violence, Weddings, little dan howell, prompts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:47:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 38,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24534832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowchristy/pseuds/rainbowchristy
Summary: A series of moments from Dan and Phil's lives, from their first meeting as kids to mid-life crises.This is for Ficmas so tag along for the ride and we can see what happens together!
Relationships: Chris Kendall/PJ Liguori, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	1. First Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This is going to have 25 chapters! One for every day leading up to Christmas! This is my first time doing ficmas so I hope everything goes smoothly and you enjoy this!
> 
> Credit to Jilliancares for the idea of merging a heap of prompts into one continuous story and to glitterhowell for the prompts!
> 
> TW: Hospitals & broken bones.

“Bye Mum!” Dan called, pulling his backpack onto his shoulders and leaving through the front door. “Peej!” he squealed, running to his best friend and wrapping his arms around him.

“Hi, Danny!” Pj grinned back. “Ready to beat the Lions?”

“Of course. Chris is so mean, I’m excited.”

“Come on boys,” Mrs Liguri interrupted, chuckling at the boys’ excitement. “If we don’t get going, we’ll be late for the game.”

“We can’t be late!” they shouted at the same time, laughing and shouting ‘jinks’ afterwards.

“Well, let’s go then. How’s your mother, Dan?”

“Good. Peej, you’ll not believe what I got for my birthday!”

“Older?” Dan glared.

“Meanie,” he muttered. “Mum bought me a PS4! Can you believe it?”

“That’s so cool! We gotta play it together. What games do you have?”

“Mario cart, Crash Bandicoot and Lego: Avengers!”

~~~~

“Go Dan, go!” Pj shouted from the sidelines, hands cupping his mouth to make his voice carry further. He’d been put aside after hurting his ankle. His mother had come down from the bleachers to bring him home but Pj refused, saying he had to stay to support Dan. His mother would never understand the connection they had, but she left him be.

“Dan tossed his head back, grinning and kicking the ball, up into the air, across the field, into a tree.” What had once been gasps of anticipation quickly changed to groans as everyone watched the ball. It wasn’t budging.

“I’m sorry,” Dan said, walking over to Coach Meaver.

“It’s okay, just need someone to get it down from there,” he comforted quickly before raising his voice. “No one attempt to get the ball! I want everyone’s feet on the ground at all times, okay? I’ll go get a ladder.”

At the news of a break, kids wandered over to their friends, most of which were on their own teams. Dan understood why. The Lions were all bullies. No one liked them but their own kind.

“Danny, what did you do?” Pj laughed, leaning on Dan to take some weight off his foot.

“I kicked the ball like we’re supposed to!” he defended. “How’s your ankle?”

“Alright. Coach Meaver won’t let me play again though. He said I could make it worse.”

“I don’t want it getting worse. Here, sit down,” Dan ordered, helping his friend to the bench a little ways away.

“Look, some of the Lions are trying to climb the tree.” Dan looked to where Pj was pointing and groaned.

“Ugh, Coach said to stay on the ground. What are they doing?”

After making sure Pj was situated, Dan made his way over to said tree, ready to remind the boys of Coach’s orders.

“You’re going to get in trouble,” he said, looking up as three students climbed.

“Well it’s a good thing your little princess butt is on the ground then, huh?” one of the kids sneered back, causing his peers to laugh and a few of Dan’s own teammates to chuckle.

Dan rolled his eyes, blushing despite his seemingly uncaring expression. The three boys in the tree climbed higher, getting closer to the ball he’d kicked up there.

A branch snapped, causing all the kids to suddenly look towards the sound. A boy with dark hair was falling. Dan realised a second too late that the boy was above him, meaning both of them crashed to the ground when he fell.

Dan briefly heard a scream fill his ears before he realised it was his own. It tapered off, students crowding around them to see the damage.

The boy on top of him pushed up, trying to stand. Another scream filled the people’s ears though as the boy pressed on his arm accidentally. By this point Pj had already run over to him, determined to find out what happened to his best friend.

“Dan!” he shouted, kneeling next to him and assessing the damage. As if he knew what to do anyway.

“Hurts,” he muttered quietly while one of the kids from his team ran after Coach Meaver.

“It’s okay, Danny. We’ll get you to the hospital and you can get checked.”

~~~~

Mrs Howell met him at the hospital, drugged up on pain meds as he lay in bed.

“What happened?” she demanded, turning to Mrs Liguri to answer the question.

“A boy from the other team was climbing a tree and fell. Dan was in the wrong place and the boy landed on him.”

Mrs Howell turned to him then. “How are you feeling, Honey?”

“Great,” he answered with a loopy grin. A doctor walked into the room and explained the situation they’d found themselves in. Dan had a clean break in his forearm, the most common and easy to fix. They took Dan back to get the cast put on and his three guests waited.

Once he was back, Pj signed his green cast (as chosen by him) and left, Pj’s mother saying they needed to get home.

“He can be discharged after the meds wear off. I’ll arrange a plan for pain management for him over the next couple days too and after that, there shouldn’t be much pain but he can take over-the-counter relief if need be,” the doctor explained to Dan’s mum, who nodded and hummed along appropriately.

Maybe half an hour after the doctor had handed over the medication prescription, there was a knock at the door, followed by a boy and a man entering the room. Mrs Howell had no idea who they were so she stood and stepped towards them.

“Excuse me, who are you?” she asked, trying to sound polite.

“Mr Lester,” the man said, holding out his hand for her to shake. “And this is my son, Phil.”

She nodded. “Mrs Howell,” she replied. “And Dan.” She gestured to the sleeping boy behind her.

“Is he okay?” Phil asked, watching Dan’s fluorescent green arm rise and fall against his chest.

“Yeah; it was a clean break, thankfully. I-I’m sorry, I’m failing to understand why you’re here. Are you a friend?”

“Uh, not really. I, uh, I’m the one who fell on him. Dad brought me to apologise.”

“Oh, okay. Well, he’s asleep at the moment but we just got the doctor’s approval to be discharged so we’re going to get going,” she explained, turning to her son and shaking his shoulder.

“Mm, five more minutes,” he mumbled, causing Phil to chuckle.

“Dan, time to wake up now,” she laughed. Dan blinked his eyes open, groaning at the bright white of the hospital.

A few minutes later he was fully awake and he and Phil had initiated a conversation.

“So, uh, sorry about falling on you,” he said, looking down.

“It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to fall.”

Phil laughed. “As the one who caused that,” he started, pointing to the cast. “I think it’s only fair I get to sign it,” he grinned.

“Sure, no one else will, other than Peej anyway,” Dan said, mumbling everything but the first word. Phil had still heard him though, a frown set on his face as he grabbed the marker on the table and scribbled his name with a little smiley face next to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!
> 
> I'll be adding tags as I write as I have no idea what's to come next. And I mean this literally, Makayla is giving me my prompts each morning and I have no idea what's to come the next day.


	2. Becoming Friends

“Bear!” Mrs Howell called, flicking through the mail.

When he came downstairs, she passed an envelope to him, only to be met with a look of confusion. “Well go on,” she prompted, grinning. “Open it.”

He did as she said, turning it over and pulling the sticky tape from the back. Pulling out the letter, he realised it was an invitation.  _ You’re invited to Phil’s 11th birthday party! _ It read, along with the date and time of the party and what Dan guessed was his address.

“Mr Lester called me, asking if you’d like to go. I said yes. You know you don’t really have many friends, other than Pj. Maybe this party can expand your social group,” she suggested, putting the mail she still held in the little trey by the kitchen door.

“Mum,” he groaned. “Peej is great, I don’t need any other friends.”

“Well, it can’t hurt. You’re going to that party,” she said, a definitive tone to her voice. “Now go wash up for dinner, it’ll be ready in half an hour.”

Dan groaned again quietly so his mum couldn’t hear, before going upstairs and grabbing the plastic bag he used to cover his arm when he showered. He’d gotten used to only having one hand, but every time he looked at the green plaster, void of names, he realised how small his group of friends was. Well, that was if you could consider Pj a group.

Dan realised maybe this party wouldn’t be so bad, even if it was with a bunch of Lions. Phil had seemed nice at the hospital when he came to apologise, maybe he’d be nice again.

~~~~

Two weeks later Dan was dropped off at Phil’s house, a bag of belongings in his hand, a pillow under his other arm.

“Hi, Dan!” Phil shouted, opening the front door upon seeing the car pull up in the driveway.

“Happy birthday, Phil,” he replied, passing the present his mother was holding for him over to Phil.

“Thanks.”

A while after Dan’s mum left for home, Dan was still the only one to have arrived.

“Wasn’t the party supposed to start at four?” he asked, looking through the window again as if stating guests were late would make them immediately arrive.

Phil sighed though, not looking up to the window. He knew no one was coming. He’s known that since ten minutes into the so-called party.

“Yeah,” he admitted. “I don’t think anyone else is coming.”

“What, why?” Phil shrugged, looking down at his shoes.

“I guess I don’t really have that many friends, I’m surprised you even came,” he mumbled.

“What about the others on your team? Surely you’re friends with them,” Dan questioned, only to have Phil shake his head.

“Chris is my best friend, he isn’t into sport though. And he’s on holiday at the moment anyway.”

“Well, I’ll be your friend. You seem nice, not like the other Lions who are all mean.”

Phil laughed. “We’re not mean. You Wolves are all just goodie-two-shoes-es. Is that a word? It is now.”

“Fine, whatever. We like following the rules, so what?”

“So you’re admitting to being a goodie-two-shoes?” Phil grinned.

“Sod off,” he laughed, causing Phil to gasp, his hand flying to his heart.

“How could you say such a thing? Dad would have my head if I said that.”

“Sod isn’t a swear word, Phil,” Dan chuckled, shaking his head.

“It could be! Who decides what is and isn’t a swear word anyway? Mhm, Dan?” Phil asked, a grin also on his face.

“You’re mum,” Dan threw back, noticing the change in Phil’s mood after he said that. “Sorry,” he whispered, the room now eerily quiet.

“It-It’s okay,” Phil said, but something in his voice tipped Dan off. He was crying.

“Hey, no crying on your birthday, today’s a happy day, okay?”

“Y-yeah, c-can I ask why your dad’s never around?”

Dan, however uncomfortable, nodded. He owed Phil an answer after bringing up what was clearly a very touchy subject. “He, uh, left when I was a toddler. He joined the army, we haven’t seen him since but we get money every so often, or a letter. Mum and I are okay without him though,” he smiled, letting Phil know it really was okay.

“I’m sorry,” Phil whispered, wiping the tears from his eyes.

“Not your fault.” After a few minutes of silence between the two boys, Dan continued. “So what do you want to do? It may just be the two of us but it’s still a party and it’s still your birthday.”

Phil grinned. “Uh, Dad made a cake, we can go eat that if you want? Or we could watch a movie or play games. I’m just glad someone came.”

“Cake sounds great, then maybe a movie?” Dan suggested, Phil smiled.

“Perfect.”

Hours later, the two boys were full of cake and chips and lollies, dinner being skipped in favour of more sweets.

“I think it’s bedtime, boys,” Mr Lester said, smiling on as he watched the two play and laugh.

“A little longer?” they begged together.

He sighed, “Half an hour, and no more.” After cheers flooded the room, Mr Lester went and made himself busy in the kitchen, keeping an eye on the time as he worked.

~~~~

The two slept soundly that night, dreams of a quickly forming friendship in their minds. Dan had taken Phil’s bed, Phil on a blow-up mattress right beside him.

It was around nine o’clock when they awoke, having gone to bed late the night before.

“Morning,” Phil grumbled, wiping the crust from his eyes.

“Morning, how’d you sleep?”

“Alright, you?”

“Pretty good.”

After a half-hour or so, the two made their way down the hall and into the kitchen where Mr Lester was already up, baking French toast for breakfast.

When it was served up, Dan was appalled to see a ketchup bottle set on the table. “Syrup or sauce?” Phil asked, picking up the bottle.

“Uh, syrup?” Dan said as if it were obvious.

“Pity,” Phil simply murmured in reply, continuing to cover his breakfast in ketchup while Dan was handed the bottle of maple syrup.

“You’re strange, Philip,” Dan teased light-heartedly.

“It’s a good thing to be strange, normalness leads to sadness,” he grinned.

“Nerd,” Dan simply laughed.

“And you said the Lions were the mean ones!”

The two shared light and easy banter over breakfast, and Dan joined Phil in going to feed the chickens. Dan had never seen them up close before and was very excited. He even got to hold one named Emo! Apparently, Phil’s older brother had named it. Dan wondered where his brother was but didn’t question it, not wanting to make Phil sad like when he brought up his mother.

~~~~

“So, how was it?” his mother asked, checking his seatbelt before putting the car into reverse and pulling out from the driveway.

“Good, Phil’s really funny,” Dan smiled. “And he didn’t laugh at Pooh Bear!”

“That’s good, I’m glad you liked it. Maybe you could invite him around some time, hm?”

“Tomorrow?” Dan asked excitedly. “He likes Mario Cart and I want to play it with him.”

“We’ll see,” Mrs Howell laughed, glad her son had a new friend.


	3. Developing Feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp3: Arguments. I think that’s all but as always tell me if I miss something!

Dan and Phil walked the school hallways. They’d been there for almost a year now; in exactly one week they’d have finished year seven. They were both excited for Christmas break, having made countless plans to hang out or have sleepovers.

Dan liked to joke that Phil being crap at climbing trees was the only reason they were friends. While it was true, that was the reason they first ever started talking, Phil argued that it couldn’t be the only reason, pouting as he said this. Dan always pushed Phil’s lower lip back into place, a grin on his own lips.

Today was a Friday, and Phil was sleeping over that night. They’d made plans for Mario Kart lessons and binging the first few  _ Harry Potter _ films, laughing about how three years ago they’d fantasized about getting their letters. They were older now, more mature. They understood Hogwarts wasn’t real. However, that didn’t stop them from secretly pretending some people got their letters later in life.

“Truth or dare?” Phil suddenly asked, drawing Dan back to the current situation. Phil sat at the other end of his bed, his DS in hand as they’d just finished another round of races.

“What’s with you and that game?”

“It’s fun!” Phil defended, giggling. “Now answer the question.”

“Fine, uh, dare.”

Phil grinned, “I dare you to brush your teeth with Nutella.”

“You and your bloody Nutella. I know you don’t like it but you don’t have to take it out on me!” Dan laughed, getting up off the bed regardless. He had a dare to fill, and he was planning to get Phil back after this strange form of torture was over.

“This will be good,” Phil grinned as Dan stuck his finger into the gooey substance.  _ Like hell you’ll get me to use my toothbrush for this, _ he’d said when Phil told him.

Countless truth and dares were thrown back and forth, forcing both boys to share secrets or embarrass themselves.

“Who do you like?” Phil suddenly asked after Dan had answered truth.

“I like you doofus,” he laughed.

Phil blushed. “Not like that! Like, like like.”

“Oh, uh, you know Anaya? She’s in our English class?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I, uh, I kinda really like her. She’s pretty and smart and kind,” Dan explained, before cutting himself off, blushing.

“Who do you like?”

“You can’t do that!” Phil declared.

“Come on! I told you!”

“No, not happening,” Phil said, ending the question by standing for the bathroom.

~~~~

“Have you seen Anaya today? She’s wearing a really pretty crop top with jeans. I think she might even have some make-up on.”

“Anaya’s so smart! She got an A on the test and no one else got more than a B.”

“I tripped over my own feet earlier and Anaya came up to me and asked if I was okay. She’s so amazing, Phil, do you understand?”

“Anaya stood up to Lukas today! Lukas! Can you believe it?”

“Anaya’s so sweet. There was a new kid today and she offered to show her around. I really like her, Phil.”

These comments continued for weeks. At least once a day, on seemingly unimportant things that Dan made out to be the best news of that day.

Honestly, Phil was getting sick of it. He didn’t know why though. It’s not like he hated Anaya, she was nice enough. And he obviously didn’t hate Dan, he just didn’t like the idea of the two together, regardless of how much Dan fancied her.

It wasn’t until Dan whispered, “I think I might ask her out,” that Phil realised why he’d started to hate Anaya. It should have been a shock to him, but it had just explained his actions and thoughts over the past few months.

He had a crush on the boy. He had a stupid crush on his best friend and it’d never be reciprocated. Phil resigned himself to that thought and tried to push his feelings away. It didn’t work. So he simply swallowed his disappointment, grinned and told Dan he was happy for him.

A week later, Dan and Anaya started dating. They’d always hang out, holding hands. Plans that he and Phil had made together for the holidays were cancelled, Dan explaining that Anaya wanted to see a movie, or go for a picnic, or do something else that Dan used to do with Phil.

After the last day of school, it was a month before they saw each other again. Sure they texted plenty, but they hadn’t physically seen each other since then. School went back in two weeks and all their holiday plans had been cancelled so far.

Phil was putting his foot down here, though. Just because Dan had a girlfriend didn’t mean he could completely ignore Phil. And so Phil pulled his phone from his pocket, messaging Dan.

_ The sleepover for tomorrow is still on, right? _

Dan didn’t reply for nearly an hour.  _ Shit, I forgot, sorry. Made plans with Aya. _ That was the nickname he’d started calling her, along with other, more intimate pet names.

_ Dan, this isn’t fair. We haven’t seen each other since the end of school. _

_ I know. Sorry. Look, Friday. You can sleep over on Friday and I promise I won’t cancel. Okay? _

_ Fine, but you better not. I miss you. _

_ I miss you too Phil. Gotta go now, Aya’s over and we’re going out for dinner. _

_ Have fun ^-^ _

Dan never replied to the message. And on Friday, when Phil arrived at the Howell household with a duffle bag of belongings, the last thing he expected was to be greeted by Anaya at the door. Dan stood behind her, a shy grin on his face.

“Dan, can I have a word with you? In private.” Dan looked honestly a little scared to be alone with Phil but he nodded anyway, closing the door behind him. The cool afternoon air washed over them, chilling the simmering emotions between them.

“What the heck, Dan?! This was supposed to be a sleepover with the two of us only!” Phil snapped.

“I know, Phil. Honestly, I was looking forward to this. But she called; her parents are getting a divorce, Phil. She didn’t want to be alone and I couldn’t just sit by and do nothing. I’m sorry,” Dan tried to explain.

“Save it, Dan. I honestly thought you cared about your friends but you’re obsessed with this girl you’ve only been crushing on for like two months! Pj asked if something happened to you because you disappeared off the internet! He may not be here anymore but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. We both do and you’re being really awful ignoring us both.” Before Dan could reply, Phil sighed and stormed off the porch, turning down the street.

~~~~

Dan and Phil didn’t see each other for another two weeks, until school went back and they began year eight. To be fair, Dan also didn’t see Anaya. He stayed in his room, playing Mario Kart on his own or watching  _ Harry Potter _ , wishing Phil was by his side to talk to.

His mum had noticed something was up by the second day he spent alone. She’d come into his room, asking if he and Anaya broke up. Of course, she knew they were dating, he told his mum everything. They were close, each other being all they had. Dan had obviously explained. Anaya’s parents. Phil’s jealousy. How it all just crashed upon him until he didn’t want to get out of bed, didn’t want to face the day.

She’d said she used to feel that way. She’d struggled for years with lethargy, not having the interest to do anything. She’d stopped spending time with friends, locking herself in her room. Nana was the one to actually realise something was wrong. She’d taken her to the doctors where she was given a mental health care plan and a psychologist to talk about her problems to.

She suggested to Dan that it might be good for him to do the same.

He refused. He didn’t need help. He was simply thinking through a few things, he wasn’t depressed or whatever his mum was implying.

By the time school went back, Dan’s thoughts hadn’t cleared. One thing he did know, he liked Phil and didn’t want to lose him as a friend. But he also liked Anaya, he enjoyed her company and the feeling of her hand in his.

“Mum, what would you say if I told you I’m gay?” he asked at dinner once. His uncle was gay and accepted so he wasn’t too worried about being disowned.

“I’d ask what you’re doing with Anaya when it’s clearly Phil you want,” she answered, a grin on her lips and a knowing look in her eyes.

“What?! I don’t like Phil! Seriously! We’re just friends!”

“For now,” she teased.

“Ugh, Mum,” he groaned.

“Alright, alright. In honesty, I’d ask why your dating Anaya, if you don’t really like her. It’s not fair to drag her along, Love.”

“I-I know that. But, it’s not that I don’t like her. I do, I just-”

“You also like Phil,” she finished.

“Yeah,” Dan sighed. “What do I do?”

“Honestly, you need to be honest with yourself before anyone else. Sort through your feelings, work out what it is that you’re actually feeling. And once you’ve decided, tell the truth to both Anaya and Phil. They don’t deserve to be lied to or strung along. You know that.”

~~~~

“Anaya!” Dan called. She spun around, dark red hair bouncing on her shoulders.

“Hi Dan,” she replied, stepping over to him. “How are you?”

“Good good; listen, I need to tell you something.” He wasn’t really sure that was the best way to start the explanation but he didn’t have any other ideas.

“Are you breaking up with me?” she asked, tears already coming to her eyes.

“No, no, of course not,” he rushed to say. He still hadn’t decided if they needed to break up. But he knew he had to be honest with her, she couldn’t date a facade of him believing that it was his true self. It wasn’t fair. “So, uh, I like you. Really, really like you. But I also think I might like boys. I’m not sure, but I wanted to be honest with you.”

She took a moment to process this new information before her features set into a glare. “I don’t care if you’re gay, Dan, but I’d appreciate you just telling me that rather than pretending you like me too. We can just be friends, I don’t care. Just please don’t lie to me,” she said, her voice wet with emotion that was indecipherable.

“I’m not, I’m telling the truth,” he tried.

“Fine, if lying what you want to do, go for it. But I won’t be friends with a lier. It was nice knowing you, Dan.” And with that, she left.

_ Next, Phil _ , Dan thought. He caught his friend on his way outside during lunch. He’d settled under a tree the two used to share, leaning against the bark as he picked at his sandwich.

“Hi,” Dan said quietly.

“Dan, hi,” Phil replied, voice completely monotone.

“I, uh, I wanted to say I’m sorry for how I treated you over the past few weeks. It wasn’t very nice of me.”

“You’re right. It wasn’t.”

“So, uh, apology accepted or-?”

“Apology not accepted, Dan. You just expect me to accept you back after you ignore me for a month for your new girlfriend? I’ve known you for three years, you’ve known her for maybe three months. Do you see what I’m getting at here? You were a real dick, ya know that? I like you, Dan, you’re my best friend, but it hurt being abandoned by you and I’m not just going to bring you straight back only for you to abandon me again when you find another pretty girl to fawn over.”

“Phil-”

“Don’t, Dan. Don’t say anything.”

“No, Phil, listen.” Dan grabbed onto Phil's arm as he started to walk away. “I won’t abandon you again for a pretty girl, I promise. I won’t abandon you for a pretty boy either.”

“Wait-”

“Yeah, I’m, I like boys, Phil.” He smiled sheepishly. “And girls. I don’t know, I’m a little confused.”

Phil grinned. “Apology accepted. Thanks for trusting me, ya know, with that. It’s not easy to come out.”

“Wait, I came out?”

Phil laughed. “Yes, Dan, you did.”

“Oh,” he chuckled. And the two shared laughs for the rest of the lunch break, only to be separated when the final bell rang for class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow this is longer than the previous two when I was lacking inspiration. Why does it always work out this way?
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	4. Reveal of Feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this is a little short, I was lacking inspiration :/
> 
> TW: Arguments (very mild) again

“Dan, this is Chris. Chris, Dan,” Phil introduced. Chris had come home from his holiday the day before and he was officially back at school. 

“Nice to meet you,” Dan said formally, holding out his hand for Chris to shake.

Chris simply laughed, taking Dan’s hand in his before dropping his arm back to his side.

“Who’s the cutie?” he’d then asked, eyes just over Dan’s shoulder, where Pj was standing.

“Oh!” Dan remembered, stepping aside.

“Chris, this is Pj. Pj, Chris, Phil’s best friend,” Dan explained, the last two words coming out sour despite the lack of intention.

“You’re my best friend too, Dan, no need to get jealous,” he laughed.

“Fuck off, I am not jealous.” Pj laughed at him.

“Dan, I’ve been your friend for ten years. You get jealous. Super easy too.”

The four of them got along well, and when Anaya had been ditched by her friends for “being a slut”, she also joined their group. While she was the only girl, she got along really well with everyone, having the same interests and type of humour.

Chris and Pj had hooked up reasonably quickly thanks to Chris’ unsubtle way of flirting. At first, it had just been a fling, a quick fuck here or there, not that Dan nor Phil had asked to be informed of that. It quickly developed into a relationship, though; one full of disgusting pet names and ridiculous levels of flirting.

~~~~

Dan, Phil, Anaya and Chris all sat on the couch together. Pj was at some art camp for the weekend. The four shuffled onto the couch, Aya choosing to sit in an armchair, curled up into herself.

They’d decided to host a  _ Harry Potter _ marathon. They’d settled into their seats, popcorn, chips and sweets all set out in bowls on the coffee table in front of them. There was ice cream in the freezer for later too.

They’d each bet how long it would take Dan to fall asleep, despite his protest and declaration of being able to stay up late. Years of friendship and sleepovers had proven him wrong though, and his friends each had ten dollars waiting on his sleepy brain to take over.

Just before the end of the third film, Aya’s mother came around to collect her. Even though Dan and her weren’t dating and hadn’t been for a long time, she still wasn’t allowed to sleep over, even with Phil and Chris there. Her parents didn’t “want to risk it” as Aya had told them at school one day.

“See ya on Monday,” Dan said, giving her a hug before she quickly hugged everyone else, mumbling farewells to them too.

“And then there were three,” Chris joked, jumping back onto the couch.

“Do we want to keep watching?”

“We’re having a marathon for a reason,” Phil jeered, laughing as he also sat on the couch, stealing the blanket Dan had taken off him.

“Meany,” Dan frowned, climbing onto the couch and snuggling up to Phil instead of getting another blanket.

Just after beginning  _ Order Of The Phoenix _ , Chris had to go home. His brother came to pick him up on the way home from a party. Dan was the only one staying to sleep. Chris had a birthday to go to the next day and they had to leave early in the morning since the party was being held so far away.

After saying goodbye to Chris, Dan and Phil hit play on the movie, cuddling each other to preserve warmth in the cool London house.

They were onto the sixth film when they decided to get out the ice cream. They had a tub each simply because they could. They scooped it into their mouths, eyes glued to the screen illuminating the otherwise pitch-black room. Dan’s mum had gone up to bed shortly after Chris left, knowing everyone was getting home safely.

“Ron is being so dumb,” Dan commented, ice cream freezing his mouth. “Seriously, what is he doing?”

“Who knows. He’s a teenage boy and is like ‘ooh boobs, my favourite’.” Phil laughed at his own impersonation of ‘typical teenage boy’.

“Yeah, can’t relate, that’s for sure,” Dan laughed. He’d gotten comfortable with his sexuality over the years. It was no longer something he hid or was ashamed of. He was proud to like both men and women and didn’t let anyone tell him it was wrong.

“Me either,” Phil murmured, only to have Dan turn to him and gape.

“Aren’t you straight?”

“Uh, I think I’m gay, but maybe bi or pan, I don’t really know,” he said, suddenly shy. A small smile graced his lips as he looked up to Dan, trying to gauge his reaction.

“That’s cool, or whatever,” Dan smiled. “Thanks for telling me.”

“N-no problem.”

Dan turned to him again, giving a calculating look, before leaning forward and grabbing the remote off the table, pausing the film.

“Is there something else you want to tell me?” he asks, trying to sound both comforting and worried at the same time.

“No! No. Uh, please don’t hate me,” he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Hey, no, don’t do that,” Dan comforted, shuffling even closer to Phil to wrap his arms around the boy properly. “I’d never hate you, what makes you think I would?”

Phil wiggled his way out of Dan’s hug, standing from the couch. His eyes didn’t stray from the ground as he spoke. “I like you, Dan.”

“I-I like you too, Phil,” Dan breathed out, a laugh on his tongue.

“No, not like that. As in, like like. I think I fancy you, Dan,” Phil said, eyes now focussed on Dan’s knees instead of his own sock-clad feet.

“W- Phil, Phil we’re best friends,” Dan said, trying to justify whatever it was he was feeling. He wasn’t even sure himself. He thought he was happy Phil liked him like that, but he was also scared, of what he didn’t know. His mind and body was a mix of emotions both good and bad and he had no idea what was going on.

“Please, don’t, Dan, I know it’s dumb and nothing will happen. Let’s just, I don’t know, finish the movies and go to bed. Separately. In different beds, I mean.” Phil quickly grabbed a new blanket and sat at the other end of the couch, as far away from Dan as possible.

“Ph-”

“Dan, don’t. Just play the movie,” Phil snapped, and so Dan did as asked. Simply played the film. Though Dan couldn’t focus on any of them and judging by Phil’s features, he wasn’t able to either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I love comments so much and they make my day! ^_^


	5. First Date/Kiss

After the marathon, things between the two of them became awkward. Anaya noticed straight away despite being the one to know them for the shortest amount of time. As soon as they went to school, she knew something was up between them. Chris and Pj caught on around the same time, and after a while, all three of their friends were asking what happened.

“You’re best friends, what happened that you can’t get past?”

“You’ve been friends for four years, how can a little quarrel change that?”

“Fucking make up already, I’m sick of this ignoring each other.”

Each of their friends had different things to say. Pj, Aya, Chris. They each had points of view and opinions on the situation. The thing was, that none of them actually knew what happened between Dan and Phil on the night of the marathon. None of them knew that Phil confessed his feelings, only to shut down and refuse to hear out Dan’s response.

~~~~

The morning after was tense. They’d mumbled good morning and exchanged pleasantries but that was it. His mother, who’d been making them breakfast, had called Dan through to the kitchen to ask if anything had happened.

Dan didn’t tell her even though he told his mum everything. He kept this a secret. Phil’s crush, even if it was on Dan, wasn’t his news to share. So instead, he said “nothing’s wrong” and went back into the lounge where Phil was folding blankets.

Dan’s thoughts were rushing. He loved Phil. He just wasn’t sure whether it was as a friend or something more. It’s not like Phil had given him a chance to reciprocate his feelings, having shut down straight after the reveal. They’d finished all the movies, but it was more awkward than it had been ever before, even when Dan was the only one to go to Phil’s eleventh birthday party. 

Dan was on his way into town. Pj had invited him to hang out, just the two of them, since they hadn’t in a long time.

Dan now knew it was simply Pj’s way of wiggling the truth out of Dan.

For the hour that they’d been together, Pj had not shut his mouth for more than three seconds. As soon as he finished, he’d repeat himself again.  _ What happened with you and Phil? What happened with you and Phil? What happened with you and Phil? _

If it wasn’t highly illegal, Dan was seriously considering cutting out his tongue. Somehow he didn’t figure the court would listen to his reason.

_ “I am sorry, but I had to do it. He refused to stop repeating a question I didn’t wish to answer.” Yeah, probably not _ , he thought to himself, giggling a little.

“What happened with you and Phil?”

“Can you fucking stop that?”

“No. What happened with you and Phil?”

“Peej, I’ve already-”

“What happened with you and Phil?”

Dan groaned loudly, glaring when he saw the satisfied smirk on Pj’s face. “If I tell you will you stop doing that?”

“That’s generally the idea, yeah,” he joked.

“Fine. Phil told me he has a crush on me and I don’t know what to do. Not that it matters; he didn’t even give me a chance to actually respond.”

“Wait wait wait, Phil said he has a crush on you?” Dan nodded. “And you're certain it wasn’t the other way around?”

“Pj!”

“Sorry, sorry, just, how do you not know what to do. He likes you, you like him, it’s simple Danny-boy.”

“Don’t call me Danny-boy,” Dan grumbled. “And I don’t know if I like him as a friend or as a lov- or something more.”

“Wait, you don’t know? Dan, you’ve liked him since you met him. I don’t think the crush was there though, at least from what I could tell. You’ve fancied him since at least since you and Aya broke up, definitely.”

Dan grumbled something about still not being sure and Pj laughed. “So you’re saying I knew you fancied Phil and you didn’t?”

~~~~

A similar conversation took place between Chris and Phil. And between both conversations, the two lovers managed to convince Dan and Phil that they should at least make up, whether they date or not was up to them.

Phil asked Dan on a date two days later.

Dan said yes.

That following weekend, Dan dressed in his favourite skinny jeans and a white button shirt with some little blue spots on it. He hadn’t wanted to dress super fancy, but he didn’t want to be underdressed either. He felt it was casual enough to be plausible (he wasn’t wearing a tux) but it was also formal enough for a first date. And yes, he had put this much thought into what he was going to wear on his first date with Phil. The internet had said white and blue accentuate brown and he remembered Phil saying that he loved the colour of Dan’s eyes. He was simply helping out, trying to make himself look a little more handsome for Phil.

Phil was due to pick him up in a few minutes. He ran to the bathroom one last time, double-checking his hair and making sure there weren’t any stray popcorn pieces stuck in his teeth from the night before.

There was a knock at the door, and Dan heard his mother move around the house, meaning she was answering the door.  _ Oh great, hope she doesn’t scare the shit out of him _ .

He quickly pocketed his phone and some cash, heading out of his room and down the stairs to meet his mother and Phil.

“Home no later than seven,” she said sternly. “And if he comes back with a single hair out of place, you’ll be hearing from me, got it?”

“Yes, Ma’am,” Phil said, saluting her. Dan peeked around the side of her, grabbing her arm to keep balance.

“Stop scaring him, Mum,” he laughed.

“This is your first date with a man, Daniel. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Well, first off, women can hurt men too. And second, it’s Phil. You’ve met him numerous times, you know he can’t even use fly-spray for fear of hurting them.”

“I know, I know. But I’m serious, you lay a hand on his head and-”

“Okay! Bye Mum! I’ll be back soon.” Dan steered Phil out of the driveway and onto the street, taking his hand as they walked the pavement. “Is this okay?” he asked, wanting to make sure he wasn’t overstepping.

“Yeah, yeah it’s great,” Phil grinned. Dan smiled back.

“So where are we headed?”

“I was thinking Starbucks?”

“Sounds perfect.”

Once they’d ordered their drinks, they took them to the park nearby. Caramel Macchiatos for both of them. Dan hummed, holding his drink close and enjoying the smell and taste. Their drinks were finished quickly, a comfortable silence falling over the two of them. It was a kind of silence only created when two people had been friends for years and simply didn’t need words to explain how they felt. A simple glance in their direction was enough.

Phil asked Dan the obvious question two days later.

“Can I kiss you?”

Dan said yes.


	6. Caught Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp6: Homophobia. I think that’s all but tell me if I miss something!

Shortly after their first date, Dan and Phil began dating. They kept it on the down-low in public, not knowing who would berate them for their love. In secret though, they shared kisses, cuddles and so much more. They hadn’t gone further than making out though. They had only been dating for a month, after all. Neither of them were ready for that.

Nothing between them really had changed, aside from the occasional or not-so-occasional kisses. They’d platonically cuddled before Phil revealed his feelings and Dan had also held his hand at certain times, usually when he was anxious and/or panicking in a large crowd.

As of now, they were laying on Phil’s bed, their red lips attached to each other’s. Dan’s shirt had been removed at some point, but Phil wasn’t pushing to go further and neither was Dan. It was nice, simply kissing the other, feeling his lips on his own.

Dan pulled back a little, opening his eyes to grin at Phil. “You’re pretty,” he said, running his hands over Phil’s cheeks.

“You’re beautiful,” he replied. Dan blushed.

“Shut up and kiss me,” he laughed, pulling Phil back into a kiss. His hands slid down Phil’s sides, feeling his spine beneath the skin. He rucked up Phil’s shirt, placing his hand directly against Phil’s lower back.

“Are you sure?” Phil asked, understand what Dan was asking.

“Yeah,” he breathed out. He was uncomfortably hard and he knew Phil must have been as well. They wouldn’t go that far, but a shirtless Phil wasn’t something Dan was going to turn down, especially in his intoxicated state.

Phil pulled his shirt up and over his head, revealing his pale chest with a little hair but not too much. Unlike Dan, he had actually hit puberty. Dan’s chest still looked like a ten-year-old's, smooth and completely hairless.

“I love you,” Dan mumbled, pulling Phil back into the kiss yet again.

Their tongues mingled, mixing around each other and enjoying the taste of the Starbucks coffee they’d shared earlier.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and before they could call out, it was opening.

“Aunt Marissa,” Phil breathed out, flustered from the makeout session and from being caught.

“Philip, what were you doing with that boy?!” she demanded, sounding far too angry for what they’d been doing.

“Just-Just kissing, Aunt Marissa, I promise we didn’t do anything more.”

“Well, I hope to God that you didn’t! You’ll go to hell, young man, if you continue on this path. I’ll be having a word with your father. I’ll make sure this filthy boy never taints you again.”

Phil was shocked. He didn’t realise his Aunt was so strongly religious.

“What’s this about Dan tainting my son?” Mr Lester suddenly asked, appearing in the doorway. “No further, boys,” he laughed, seeing their shirtless states.

“Micheal, did you see what this boy was doing to your son?”

“Kissing him, yeah I can imagine,” he laughed, teasing, “Put your shirts back on, boys.”

“He was tainting him! Do you want Philip going to hell? You’d think after your wife you’d have a little more compassion and trust in God.”

“I want you to leave, Marissa. I will not tolerate this in my house. If you don’t accept my son for who he is, I’m going to have to ask you to kindly never return to our home,” he ordered, authority coating all his words.

Phil smiled over to Dan, knowing his dad well. Dan simply looked flustered - still - and confused as to what was going on.

“Michael, you’re making a grave mistake. I’m sorry, Philip, if you wish to find help, you know my number. I’ll happily take you in and teach you the ways of God.” Phil scoffed at her as his dad escorted her from the room.

Dan pulled his shirt on, his cheeks bright red. “Phil,” he whined, “I can’t believe they saw us!”

“He’s my dad! And my aunt! How do you think I feel?” he replied in an equally panicked down, pulling his shirt on as well and adjusting his hair in the mirror.

Not even five minutes later, Mr Lester was coming back up to Phil’s room to call them downstairs. They sat on the couch, a good ten centimetres between them solely out of awkwardness.

“Now, boys, we need to have a chat,” Mr Lester said, sitting on the coffee table in from of them. “Do you know what this is?” he questioned. Dan’s eyes followed Mr Lester’s hand before quickly retreating.

The man was holding a condom.

“Oh god, Dad, you know they cover all this at school, right?”

“They cover gay sex at school, do they?” he asked with a smirk.

“Well, no, but it can’t be that different.”

“I’m gonna go,” Dan said, trying to wiggle his way out only to be stopped by Phil.

“Oh no; if I’m suffering through this, you are too, Dan.”

“Phil,” he complained.

Phil ignored him, simply ordering, “sit.”

“Now, I don’t want to know which one of you will use this, but it is important that you do. I don’t know if you’re sexually active or not, but diseases can be passed down from parents and it’s not worth the risk.”

“Dad, we aren’t- we’re not-” Phil stuttered to explain.

“You may not be now but that doesn't mean you never will be, with each other or new partners.” The two of them groaned in sync. “Now, you know what a condom is, yes?”

“Yes, Dad, of course, we do.”

“Good, good. Now, first things first, spit is not a lubricant!”

“Oh God, Dad, please stop now!” Phil begged. His cheeks were still red but no longer from kissing; once glance proved Dan’s face was receiving the same treatment.

“It’s important for you to know!” he defended. “Now, use condoms, no spit. Stretching is next!”

“Phil, please let me leave,” he pleaded. Phil would have loved to save Dan from this odd form of torture but his father interrupted before he could.

“This is important for you to know too, young man. Now, stretching is important before any intercourse, man or women alike. If not, the one being penetrated could experience severe pain. Cover your fingers in a proper lubricant, again, no spit, and slowly insert a finger. You and your partner will need to be communicating lots during this process. Slowly add more fingers until your partner is stretched, and then, remembering the condom, do the same thing.”

“Add more dicks?”

“Philip!” Dan laughed, Phil’s joke somehow easing the tension a tiny bit.

“And before any of this, consent is key! Do not, and I repeat, do not force anyone to do anything. And this includes pressuring. If they say no, you stop immediately, no matter if you’ve gone further in the past. If they say nothing, you do not go further. Before anything is initiated, all parties must discuss what they are comfortable with and what they want to avoid. However, if they previously agree and change their mind, their newest words are what you must listen to. If they fall asleep - because it can happen - you must stop unless previously specified before. And if they’re been drinking or taking drugs, saying yes does not mean true consent.”

“Jesus, Dad, we aren’t rapists. We know what consent is.”

“Well I’m glad I haven’t raised a rapist. That’s a surefire way to get disowned, Mr Philip.

“Can we please go now?”

“Of course, but don’t think this conversation is over, young man. And I’d like your bedroom door left open from now on. You aren’t sixteen yet, once you both are you may have your door closed.

“Dad! We were never going to have sex in the first place!” he shouted, exasperation taking over.

“Oh, well, okay then. Good talk.”

Phil felt bad for shouting at his father; he was only trying to look out for them after all. He’d apologise at dinner. For now, there were some perfect lips next to him that he really wanted to kiss.


	7. The Reveal of Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp7: Homophobic characters/slurs, bullying (physical), mention of/reference to self-harm, blood. Please tell me if I ever miss a warning!

Dan and Phil had been happily dating for just over a year now. They’d settled into the routine quite nicely. Phil would walk to Dan’s house in the morning and they’d walk to school together. They’d decided to be open about their relationship; they weren’t ashamed of it, they had nothing to hide.

“Bye, Love,” Phil whispered in his ear, kissing his cheek and squeezing his hand before heading down the corridor and around the corner to his first class.

They hardly got to see each other during the school day, only at lunch really. Recess was too short to meet up and their timetables had conspired against them that semester; they didn’t share a single class. Luckily both of them shared some with Chris or Pj or Anaya, but none with each other.

“Danny Howell, my favourite person,” Nichole sneered, her boyfriend and his posy behind her.

“What do you want?”

“Am I not allowed to have a civil conversation with you?” she asked innocently.

“Cut the crap. You and I both know you can’t be civil so fucking cut to the chase so I can go to class,” he snapped. She’d been teasing him since he and Phil had first expressed their relationship in school around a month or two after they’d started dating.

“Don’t speak to my girlfriend that way, fag,” Sam ordered, glaring at him and eyeing him up. Dan’s eyes trailed to his friends. There were four of them, five including the ringleader, and they were all part of the football team. Basically, this meant they could easily take him down if they tried. And they had in the past.

Countless days Dan spent in the bathroom, crying and tending to wounds he hadn’t inflicted himself. He didn’t tend to those ones, the thin cuts on his legs, there to remind him of everything he did wrong. There to tell him he needed the pain, deserved it. He’d kept his arms clean, knowing it’d be suspicious if he started only wearing long sleeves.

“I simply wanted to ask how your faggot boyfriend is doing?” The words weren’t unusual. She often teased and belittled him. She’d never targetted Phil before though; it’d always been about him and how gay and (according to her) disgusting he was. He could handle that, but as soon as she mentioned the love of his life, he snapped.

Before he was even aware of what was happening, his arm flew out, his palm connecting smoothly with her cheek, forcing her head to snap to the side.

She made a noise of pain, her hand coming up to touch her quickly reddening cheek.

“Sam,” she said, and he grunted some form of acknowledgement. Marching forward, his hand fisted Dan’s shirt, holding him in place.

“You’re gonna regret that, faggot,” he snapped. “Outside, at lunch. If you’re not there, we’ll find your faggot boyfriend and he’ll get your beating.”

Dan nodded in fear, sighing as Sam let go of his shirt, returning to his girlfriend and kissing her cheek, making her smile.

He wished Phil were here to kiss his cheek. Dan couldn’t let Phil get his beating. It wasn’t fair, Phil hadn’t done anything. Dan had. No, he’d accept his own punishment.

The morning was rather uneventful. Pj had asked why he was so quiet; Dan simply smiled and said he’d forgotten his homework and was trying to work out how to avoid a detention. He bought it, even if he was shocked at Dan for forgetting his work. He was a bit of a goodie-two-shoes, despite how much he hated being called one.

Lunch came around quickly and Dan sent a quick text to Phil, saying he’d got detention and wouldn’t be able to meet up for lunch.

Phil didn’t seem all that trusting in his returning message but hadn’t pushed it, saying he’d find Aya, Pj and Chris to spend lunch with and that he’d see Dan after school.

~~~~

“There you are,” one of Sam’s cronies sneered, grinning as he cracked his knuckles.

“You gonna apologise to my girl?” Sam asked though everyone who heard it knew it wasn’t really a question. It was a demand. A threat. An  _ apologise right now or you might not make it out of this alive _ .

“S-sorry,” he stuttered, overly aware of all the tough people surrounding him. He wasn’t weak by any means, but he wasn’t five fucking weightlifters that could probably win a national competition.

“Fucking pussy,” one of his friends’ laughed. Dan hadn’t bothered to remember their names, why would he?

“Who’s ready to have some fun?” A chorus of agreements went around and the five significantly larger boys strode over to him, towering him. Nichole watched from the sides, a sly grin on her face. She had Sam wrapped around her finger, and Sam controlled his posse. She had complete control and she clearly knew it.

Dan lost focus as a punch landed in his stomach. He groaned, hands coming to clutch his stomach. He hadn’t eaten breakfast that morning, and now he was missing lunch. So not only was he hungry, but his stomach was being abused and it was most definitely letting him know it wasn’t happy.

As his hands clutched his stomach though, a punch landed to the side of his head, clipping his ear. He felt the pain before the blood but felt it soon enough, sliding down the lobe of his ear, dripping onto his shoulder.

He let his body get pushed to the ground. Let his body he punched and kicked repeatedly. One, two, three, all to his shoulder blades. Another couple to his thighs. His entire body protested. Ten feet repeatedly abused him, kicking harder and harder as time went on and their anger built up.

He thought he’d given up caring about the pain, but he hadn’t. As a hard jolt landed on the back of his head, he lost consciousness. He didn’t know how much longer they hurt him for but when he came to, he was alone and the sun was setting.

He swore, sitting up and clutching his head. It was sticky with blood, his hair glued to his scalp and bits of grass stuck to it as well. He felt his butt vibrate. Confused, he reached for his pants, realising it was actually his phone causing his whole body to shake.

Pulling it out, he saw his mum’s face, signifying it was her calling him.

“H-hello?”

“Dan! Oh god! Dan, why haven’t you been answering any messages or calls?”

“S-sorry, I fell asleep,” he lied. He didn’t even sound convincing, all you could hear was the pain in his voice.

“Where are you? I’m coming, okay?”

“No no, I’m fine. I’ll be home in twenty minutes, okay? I’ll be home soon; I’m okay, don’t worry.”

“Dan, please just tell me where you are,” she begged, sounding so desperate Dan had to give in.

“I’m at school, in the field. E-everything hurts, Mum,” he mumbled, tears starting to fall as his body fully registered all his injuries.

“What hurts, love? Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah, just, everything’s hurting.”

“I’ll be there soon, okay? Just hold on.”

Dan hummed, closing his eyes and leaning back against the grass. Holding himself up was too difficult when his entire body protested at the use of a single muscle.

By the time Mrs Howell arrived, Dan had managed to clean himself up a little. He’d used the inside of his shirt to wipe away the blood, most of it crusted over and falling off anyway. He’d run his hands through his hair, ignoring the awful feeling of blood and tangles until his hair resembled something similar to what he usually had after a bad night’s rest.

Even with the worst parts gone, his mother still completely freaked out. She knew there were people who teased him at school, but he’d never told her about the physical side of things.

On the drive home, she demanded names, saying she’d shout at the principle until they were expelled. Dan refused. He didn’t need his mother protecting him. Not only would the school think he was weak, but Phil would. He’d probably leave him, realising how useless Dan is, now not worth his time is.

His mother sent him to bed after he showed. He was covered in bandages and had two doses of panadol in case he woke up throughout the night.

~~~~

A week later, Dan’s bruises had mostly healed, and only an inch-long scab remained near his hairline. It was easily coverable by his fringe.

Phil had still found out though. He’d loved to push Dan’s fringe back and kiss his forehead. It hadn’t even taken a day for him to figure out why Dan didn’t meet him that afternoon.

“I’m sorry,” Dan had cried, taking ahold of Phil’s hands and moving them away from his face.

“What happened?”

“I-I walked into a door. My fault, honest,” he lied. Phil knew. Dan knew Phil knew. Phil knew Dan knew he knew. Still, neither said anything about the lie. Phil simply cuddled him on the sofa, watching  _ Lord of the Rings _ and occasionally kissing his cheek.


	8. First Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp8: Homophobic slurs, Bullying (physical - mild), Talk of self-harm. Please tell me if I ever miss a warning! There is also smut in this towards the end :)

Prom was in a month. Tickets had just started being sold and everyone was desperate to get one and then to ask their partner to attend. Dan wasn’t one of these people. He didn’t really see the appeal of prom, hundreds of dollars spent on renting - or god forbid, buying - a dress or tux you’d wear once and never see again. Cliche songs mixed with pop, the ballads for the couples to dance to if you were lucky enough to have one. It was even worse for those who were single.

No. Dan wasn’t one of the boys who got excited about prom. He didn’t care about girls in skin-tight dresses or boys in gorgeous blue suits. It just wasn’t for him.

Phil, on the other hand, was rather excited. Pj and Chris had already arranged to go together, and Anaya was going with her boyfriend. Phil simply needed a ticket, and then he’d be giving Dan the best prom-posal out of everyone in their year.

“Thanks,” Phil said, collecting his tickets from the grinning girl’s hand and pocketing them. Phase two was a go.

Two days later, Phil got down on one knee and procured the prom ticket from inside a black velvet box. Dan had laughed, saying it was cheesy. He agreed though, pulling Phil up from the damp grass to kiss his prom date.

~~~~

Prom night arrived quickly. It was all anyone was talking about, words of dresses leaving girls mouths along with limos and anything else rich and luxurious.

Phil was picking him up in his dad’s car. With his dad driving. He was only sixteen (and Dan was still a little baby at fifteen), so he’d only just become eligible to get his licence. Still, Dan wasn’t an extravagant person, he was happy with simply the dance.

There was a knock at the door and Dan took a deep breath. He’d spent hours mentally preparing to be bullied; after all, he highly doubted Sam and Nichole would just let him wear a dress. In all honestly, he’d spent more time mentally preparing than he did physically preparing.

“Coming,” he shouted down the stairs, letting Phil know he’d heard him. He quickly fixed his hair; he’d let it stay curly for the night as it suited the dress better. He brushed the few wrinkles out of the pastel pink fabric and grabbed his bag. It was his mother’s; a purse with a looped string.

Dan took his time on the steps. He wasn’t exactly used to wearing heels and he didn’t want to break an arm on prom-night, even if it’d make a good story.

“Hi, Phil,” he said somewhat shyly as he pulled open the door. Phil hadn’t been informed of his outfit choice. He knew Dan hated stereotypes, especially around gender, but he hadn’t been told Dan was wearing a dress and heels.

“Uh,” he said. His eyes swept over Dan’s body, causing him to bring his arms up to try and cover himself. “God, you’re so beautiful,” he breathed out eventually, pulling Dan into a hug and not even caring he was crushing the corsage in his hand.

Dan grinned, hugging Phil back equally as hard. “You look great,” he complimented. He stepped back, presenting the corsage to Dan, who happily let it be put around his wrist.

~~~~

“Hey, Pansy,” Sam sneered.

Phil had gone to get them both some drinks so Dan stood alone by the wall, waiting for his date to return.

Anaya had come to compliment his outfit and how brave he was to go through with it. Chris and Pj had also come given him hugs, saying they were happy he’d come at all.

“G-go away,” he said, hating the stutter. He may be absolutely terrified but that didn’t mean he wanted them knowing about it.

“Aww, that’s no way to treat your best friend.”

“You’re not-”

“Shut up fag!” he snapped. Dan closed his mouth instantly, eyes wide with apprehension.

“Where’s your little boyfriend to protect you, hm?” Dan glanced around, hoping to see Phil. He did, but he wasn’t relieved. Phil stood with two drinks in hand, mouth dropped open, watching. He wasn’t coming to help. Dan should have known. Phil would leave as soon as he realised how messed up Dan was, how disgusting he was.

He let himself be pushed against the wall, angry words of a future beating being sneered into his ear. Pop music filled his senses as Sam shoved him before wandering away. He looked at Phil, thinking maybe he’d comfort him. Their eyes met, and Dan’s filled with tears at the sight of Phil, standing there still. He wasn’t striding forward with confidence. He wasn’t wrapping Dan in a hug. And he most definitely wasn’t whispering words of reassurance in his ear. Dan ripped the corsage from around his wrist, dropping it on the ground and turning to run as best he could in heels.

“Dan! Wait!” he heard Phil shout behind him but he simply ignored it. He needed to get home. He needed his blade. God, how had he been stupid enough to think he wouldn’t need one that night. He’d told himself he didn’t want to risk it. He now knew that risk would have been worth it. He wouldn’t have to run home in a long flowy dress and heels if he had.

The point of his heel got caught in a crack in the pathway, causing him to tumble forward. He felt his knees scrape against the concrete and gasped at the pain.

“Dan!” he heard again behind him, followed by footsteps quickly approaching. “Are you okay?” he asked, panicking.

“H-hurts. Knee, hurts,” he said, gasping through the tears that had started streaming his face.

“O-okay, I’m gonna help you up, okay? We’re only a block away from my house, think you can walk?”

“I can try,” he answered.

~~~~

Once inside Phil’s house, Dan hobbled to the kitchen, taking a seat at the dining table while Phil went through the cupboards to get band-aids and antiseptic.

“Okay, here we go,” Phil said, taking the end of Dan’s dress and lifting it up so his knee was visible. “It’s not too bad thankfully,” he said. Dan was clutching the edge of his dress, holding it tightly to his leg. Phil didn’t question it, figuring it was probably his way of managing the pain. “This might hurt a little,” he warned, wiping the blood from the wound.

Dan hissed at the pain. “Hurts,” he whispered. The house was eerily silent, void of Mr Lester’s obnoxious snores.

“I know, just a little longer,” he comforted. “There we go, all done,” he said, lightly patting Dan’s knee with a smile.

“Thanks,” Dan sniffled. Phil grinned, taking Dan’s hands and lifting them to his lips.

As Dan let go of his dress skirt, it rode up his legs and when Phil pulled away from kissing Dan’s hands, his eyes instantly flew to his pale thighs covered in small red lines.

Dan’s eyes followed, and he quickly pulled the fabric down over his legs.

“I’m sorry,” he started, tears already falling down his cheeks again.

“Oh Dan, why? Why would you do that?” He helped Dan up and moved them to the couch so he could wrap his arms around Dan properly.

“It-it just helps. I’m sorry. I-I’ll go,” he said, trying to wiggle out of Phil’s hug so he could run.

“No no no, you aren’t going anywhere. I need you to tell me why you’ve done this? You’re beautiful, Dan, why would you hurt yourself?”

“S-Sam, and the others, they bully me. I didn’t want to tell you.”

“Sam?! You mean Sam as in my neighbour Sam?” Dan nodded. “What do they do? Please tell me it’s not physical,” he begged. Tears had collected in his own eyes but he held them back; he had to be strong for Dan. His beautiful, beautiful Dan, who thought hurting himself was the answer to his problems.

“It’s-It’s everything, the words, the kicks, everything Phil,” he sobbed, clutching onto Phil’s buttondown shirt.

“I won’t let them do that anymore, love. I’ll protect you from now on. You need to promise me though,” he paused, looking into Dan’s eyes before taking Dan’s hand and placing it on his leg. “You can’t do this anymore. You can talk to me instead, or someone else. But you can’t- you can’t-” Phil couldn’t say it, the tears freeing themselves and streaking down his face.

“I’m sorry Phil, I’m so sorry,” Dan cried, now comforting Phil while Phil did the same for him.

“It’s- well, it’s not okay, but we’ll get you past this and get you better, okay love?”

“Yeah, that sounds nice,” he agreed.

“Well let’s begin with getting these cleaned out, okay?” Dan nodded, and so Phil helped him back to the kitchen and onto the dining chair still pulled out from ten minutes earlier.

~~~~

After Dan’s cuts were cleaned out and bandaged, they moved back to the lounge and played some romantic comedy that happened to be showing. They weren’t really watching, too busy whispering words back and forth.

Just as the characters on the screen kissed, Dan brought his lips to Phil’s, prying his mouth open straight away. Phil made an ‘umph’ sound as his back hit the couch, Dan climbing over him and continuing the kiss.

“My Dad’s not home,” Phil whispered, breaking the kiss.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he breathed out.

“You planning something, Mr Philip?” he laughed, grinning down at his boyfriend.

“Yeah, not sexy.” Dan jokingly pouted, grabbing Phil’s head to pull his lips closer again.

“How about,” kiss, “we move this,” kiss, “to my room?” kiss.

Dan laughed but climbed off him, pulling him from the couch and quickly pulling him to Phil’s room.

“Desperate are we?” Phil giggled.

“Says you,” Dan retorted. “Oh god.”

“What?” Dan pointed to Phil’s bed and Phil’s eyes followed.

A bottle of lube and a condom sat on his sheets. Along with a note that read: _Have fun boys._

“Ugh! Dad!” Phil groaned far too loudly.

“At least you know he doesn’t care?”

“Or he cares too much.”

“Okay, enough talking, come here,” Dan ordered, pulling Phil on top of him after he lied down on the bed.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Of course I am,” Dan breathed out, already working on the buttons of Phil’s shirt.

“We’ll go slow, I promise. Do you want to top or bottom?”

“I don’t care, just, just touch me.”

“Bottom it is then,” he laughed. He listened to his boyfriend’s pleas though, shucking off his shirt and jacket in one go before pressing his hand to Dan’s crotch.

“Oh god,” Dan moaned loudly. Phil quietly thanked his father for booking a motel for the night. And for giving them lube, even if Phil already had his own secret stash (he was a teenage boy, after all).

Phil quickly pulled off his pants, leaving himself in just his boxers. Dan was still fully dressed in his pastel dress and Phil couldn’t get the vision of having sex with Dan in a dress out of his mind. It was their first time, it was supposed to be sweet and loving, which it would be. Phil just loved the idea of Dan staying in his dress, sue him.

He pulled the dress up to just under the band which would normally sit below the breasts. There was a dark spot on his boxers, telling Phil Dan was just as turned on as he was.

“Can I take these off?” he asked, making sure Dan was still comfortable.

“Yeah; yes please,” he moaned out shamelessly.

Phil pulled the boxers off, allowing Dan’s dick to stand tall. It was pale, the tip tinted pink; Phil thought it was beautiful.

“Can I stretch you, Dan?” he asked, aware of his writhing boyfriend. He was just as desperate as Dan, but he knew stretching was necessary.

“Yeah, Phil please,” Dan whined. Phil took a moment to appreciate how gorgeous his boyfriend was laid out on his bed, before snatching the lube and pouring it onto his fingers.

“Here we go,” Phil said, slowly inserting the finger into Dan.

Dan grumbled before gasping. “Stop, stop stop stop.” Phil listened instantly, quickly pulling out the third of his finger that had made it in.

“Are you okay? Shit, did I hurt you?” Phil panicked.

“No, no it’s okay. Just, I don’t know, felt weird? Just go slow, please,” he asked.

“Of course.”

And so they tried again, this time Dan pushing past the weird feeling, knowing it’d hopefully feel good soon.

Phil added a second finger after five minutes and started scissoring Dan open. He crooked his fingers and heard Dan gasp, this time from pleasure rather than discomfort.

Soon enough, a third finger was being added and he was pumping his fingers in and out of Dan smoothly.

“Do you think you’re ready?” Phil asked, desperate for some own stimulation.

“God, yes, Phil, please now,” Dan begged. Phil’s cock throbbed and he realised it was from hearing Dan’s voice so wrecked.

The condom quickly found its new home on Phil’s dick and he lubed himself up, sighing at the feeling of a smooth hand running up and down his shaft. He had to stop though, too close to coming. He wanted to do this with Dan, all the way. No way was he coming prematurely and halting any future activities.

He lined himself up and slowly pushed into Dan, eyes not straying from Dan’s face to make sure his boyfriend was entirely comfortable.

“God, Dan,” Phil groaned, moaning as he bottomed out.

“M-move, you can move,” he groaned from underneath Phil. And he didn’t need to be told twice. As soon as he was given the all-clear, he began pulling his hips back before pushing them back in. He desperately wanted to go faster but he wouldn’t risk hurting Dan.

“Dan, you feel so good,” he moaned, thrusting in and out, gathering a rhythm.

“F-faster,” Dan stuttered out and so Phil complied. It wasn’t even two minutes later Dan was begging to be touch and they were both coming, Dan onto their chests and Phil into the condom.

He quickly pulled out, tying off the latex and chucking it in the bin. He grabbed some underwear for the both of them before climbing into bed with Dan and cuddling him close.

“Thanks, Phil,” Dan whispered, eyes closed and clearly already half asleep.

“My pleasure. I love you, Danny.”

“Love you too. No more talking, cuddle and sleep,” he mumbled, clinging to Phil like a koala as he fell into a deep sleep.

Sure, the night hadn’t gone as planned, but Phil would never complain. He loved his boyfriend and he knew that love was returned. Phil closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep with a smile on his face, his nose buried in Dan’s hair.


	9. Date Night

A week before Phil’s eighteenth birthday, on the Tuesday, was the seven-year anniversary of when the met. Phil had laughed, saying Dan was cheesy when he brought it up. They only started dating almost two years back, the anniversary for which was still months away. Still, Dan wanted to plan something special for Phil.

It was always the older boy (“Only by eleven months!” Dan often squealed) who planned their dates. They were great, don’t get him wrong, but he wanted to plan something himself to show how much he loved Phil. And so he had. He’d asked Phil on a date for the following Tuesday, booked two tickets and arranged to have the car that night. Everything was in place and Dan was super excited to show Phil what he’d arranged.

“So are you going to tell me where we’re going or not?” Phil laughed, putting on his seatbelt as Dan turned on the car.

“I’ve told you this three times every day for the past week, Phil. You will see when we get there?” Dan chided.

“ _ If _ we get there. You did only just get your P’s remember.”

“Way to have confidence in your boyfriend Phil, geez. Besides, I only just passed, meaning I’m clearly safe enough to be on the road. Just cause you’ve been driving for a year longer doesn’t mean I’m automatically shit.”

“I’m just teasing, Love; I know you’re a good driver. Now let’s go already! I want to know where we’re going on this mysterious date.”

“It’s not mysterious!”

~~~~

Parking was a problem so the two of them ended having to walk two blocks in the quickly darkening London City.

“Well, here we are!” Dan said excitedly. He’d never come to this particular rink but he had seen pictures and it looked gorgeous, especially at night.

“Is-Is this Somerset House?” Phil said, his voice tilting up in pitch.

“That it is! Come on, I’ve already got our tickets. And at eleven, I’ve got a special surprise for you,” he said, winking at the end. He grabbed Phil’s hand and pulled him through the gates, grinning all the while.

“Wow,” they breathed out in sync. The sight was gorgeous. The ice rink was huge and surrounded by giant fairy lights, lighting up the arena in gorgeous colours. People skated in circles, some advanced and doing tricks to show off, other’s slow and holding their arms out wide.

“This is beautiful, Dan,” Phil complimented. “You’re more beautiful though,” he grinned.

“Ew,” Dan said, fake barfing. Cheesy pick-up lines weren’t really their style but they both knew the other secretly loved them.

They collected their skates and changed over to the boots, Dan helping Phil tie them up since he apparently didn’t know what he was doing.

Dan helped Phil get to his feet, stabling him when the tall boy wabbled like a newborn giraffe.

“Uh, Dan, now might be a good time to tell you I’ve never skated before,” he admitted, panic in his voice as they stepped closer to the ice, Phil balancing precariously while Dan walked with practised ease.

“You’ve never skated?!” Dan shouted in shock. “Sorry, it’s just- I’ve done this my whole life.”

“My Mum was always too afraid of me falling, and my Dad’s kinda carried that with him.”

“We can not go on if you want?” Dan asked. He knew his mother had passed away when he was young from cancer and he didn’t want Phil to go against her wishes.

“No, no it’s okay. I think she’ll forgive me, I’m a lot older now,” Phil smiled, eyes ghosting over the dark night sky as he spoke.

“I’m sure she would.” Dan lightly took his hand again and helped him over to the edge of the rink. “You ready?” Dan asked, his body already sliding around on the ice.

Phil took in a shaky breath and nodded, one hand holding Dan’s and the other clutching the small wall in a death grip.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” Dan smiled. Phil had decked himself out in all the safety gear the place offered while Dan had gone with none. He didn’t think he’d fall, and if he did, he knew how to fall in the right way. The two looked like polar opposites and Dan took a moment to appreciate how much Phil looked like a fish out of water.

Minutes later, Dan was coaxing Phil along the ice, telling him to let go of the wall that he still held in a forceful grip.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you, I won’t let you fall,” Dan kept saying, holding Phil’s elbows to help him balance.

“I’m doing it!” Phil squealed excitedly, clutching onto Dan’s arms for support. Dan whooped at the small achievement, remembering back to when he’d first completed a lap without falling.

Dan explained how you moved forward by tilting your toes out a little and pushing forward. Reversing was the opposite, just pointing the toes in.

Phil took at least half an hour to get the hang of it, but ten minutes before 11pm, he was doing his own laps; the only stability was Dan’s hand in his. People slowly started clearing out and Phil said they should do the same. Dan simply said no, that they had the rink for a bit longer. Phil accepted this reason without question, figuring Dan had just booked two sessions for them instead of one. What he didn’t know what that Dan had booked fifteen minutes for the entire rink to be just theirs.

“Phil, I’ve got a present for you, okay?” Dan said suddenly, once there were no more people in the arena.

“Is it a kiss?” he joked.

Dan kissed him. “No, you idiot.”

“You love me,” he quipped back instantly. Dan hummed, not agreeing or disagreeing - they both knew it was a silent ‘of course I do’.

“Get over there,” Dan said, pushing Phil towards the exit. He complied, skating over - albeit slowly - and waddling off the ice and to the seating area at the side.

“Hit it!” Dan shouted with a grin. The arena went dark, all the lights suddenly off. The fairy lights slowly glowed back to life, all of them blue or white now. It had an amazing effect on the arena but Phil didn’t have time to think about how pretty the atmosphere was as a very familiar piano tune started playing.

“Oh fuck no,” he breathed out. The lights from the beams suddenly turned on, lighting up the arena. Dan had completely changed outfits. He’d been wearing a long sleeve shirt and jeans before, but now he was wearing what looked like a long-sleeve leotard. On closer inspection though, Phil’s eyes skimmed the tight material that clung to Dan’s body perfectly, followed by the skirt. The ensemble was a lovely medium-dark blue but Phil could think about the outfit later.

For the time being, he watched in amazement as Dan skated across the ice, the familiar tune of  _ Yuri On Ice _ playing through the speakers. He jumped, landing perfectly, his arms and legs moving elegantly as he moved across the ice.

Phil watched in awe, not even aware that the song had ended until Dan started skating towards him, mouth open as he panted and tried to catch his breath.

“Dan,” Phil breathed, equally as out of breath as Dan despite having just sat and watched.

“I messed up the jump but I hope it was okay?” Dan puffed, looking down in embarrassment.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Phil almost shouted. “That was incredible, Dan!” he continued, leaning over the barrier and hugging Dan tightly. “God, I love you so fucking much, Dan,” he whispered into his ear, kissing his cheek and forehead and nose before finally landing his lips on Dan’s own.

“Mmm,” he hummed against Phil’s lips. “I’m glad you liked it. You have no fucking idea how long I’ve been practising that for.”

“I can’t even begin to imagine. This is the best date we’ve had yet, no doubt. How do you expect me to top this when it’s my turn?”

Dan grinned. “Maybe I should just plan all the dates from now on. Though this was a lot so maybe I’ll take the back seat and let you do the hard work.”

“Sounds exactly like you, Mr Howell.”

“What are you saying, Mr Lester?” he questioned, playing along.

“I’m saying I love you.”

“And I’m saying I love you too,” Dan grinned, pulling Phil back in for another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought of this cause I'm honestly super proud of it!


	10. Suicide Attempt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp10: Suicide attempt (obviously), self-harm, semi-graphic depictions of blood, & hospitals. Please tell me if I've missed something!
> 
> I've included a summary at the end in case you need to skip this chapter ^_^

“Do you have to go?” Dan asked for the eighth time that morning. Phil’s bags were packed and he lifted them into the car as Dan clung to his side.

‘Dan, we’ve already been over this,” he said, smiling.

“I know, but Manchester? Really?”

“Yes, really. My mum went to Manchester Uni and they have a really good English course. I know it’s far away but we can still skype and I’ll visit loads.”

“Fine,” Dan said, not happy but knowing Phil wasn’t going to change his mind.

“I love you, Danny, you know that,” Phil mumbled, pulling Dan in for a tight hug which was quickly reciprocated.

“I love you too, Lion.”

So as Phil put the last of his bags in the car and climbed into the front seat, he kissed Dan’s cheek one last time before driving off, leaving his entire childhood behind and setting course for his future.

~~~~

“Hey, pussy,” the familiar voice of Nichole sneered. Sam was right beside her, his cronies behind them.

Dan just sighed. “What’s the plan for today, fellas?”

“You talking back to us? Fucking bitch, you’re gonna regret that.” He said, pinning Dan up against the locker. His feet dangled, only the tips of his toes touching the ground. “You talk back again and it’ll be much worse,” he sneered, swinging a quick punch to Dan’s stomach before running off to get high in the gym bathroom.

It was only the first day back and they’d already started being physical again. They’d stopped for a while, Phil hanging around his side too often for them to do anything other than glare. Phil had helped him so much, not just with the bullying. He’d been clean for almost a month now, which was immense progress considering six months earlier it had been as regular as a drug-addict would smoke.

Still, even though Phil had helped, now there was nothing he could do. He hadn’t even heard from his boyfriend since a week before, and even then the conversation had been pretty one-sided.

Dan had guessed this would happen. Phil would move away, realise how much better he was without Dan, but not want to tell him because of how amazing he was. Phil would find someone else, someone better than Dan. It surely couldn't be that difficult to find someone better than him.

Phil had tossed all of Dan’s blades when he’d first found out and checked Dan’s legs daily. He’d cry every time new ones appeared and asked Dan what he used to do it and why. He’d take away all possible tools.

Now though, he was gone. He’d made Dan promise to call if he’d felt the urge. And Dan was feeling the urge. Stronger than it’d been in a long time. He quickly shuffled through the crowded hallway of rushing students and slipped into the disabled bathroom, locking it behind him.

He pulled out his phone, fumbling through his contacts as he desperately tried to find Phil’s name. After a minute of searching through teary eyes, he remembered he was in favourites and clicked his name, the number being dialled instantly.

After seven repeats of the dialling tone, it went to voicemail.

“Hi! This is Phil, I’m obviously busy at the moment but I’ll text you as soon as I can. Meow,” it said, a little familiar laugh at the end before the beep sounded.

Dan didn’t leave a message. Clearly, Phil had already moved on and didn’t have time for him anymore.

He sobbed, pulling out the blade from his bag and placing it against his thigh, bracing for the pain he knew helped drown his thoughts. He may have been giving all his blades to Phil, but he’d left weeks ago now and while Dan hadn’t used them, they held a sort of comfort when he had one with him.

~~~~

The rest of the day was a mess of self-inflicted pain and punches and kicks from Sam and his gang.

It wasn’t even final period when Dan swung open his locker before fleeing the school grounds. His mum was at work still. She wouldn’t find him till she got home and by then it’d be too late.

He chucked his bag on his bed, tugging at his hair as he moved to sit at his desk. He only had two notes to write. It wouldn’t take long. And after that, well, he could go into the bathroom and do the one thing he’d wanted to do since he was fourteen but had never had the courage for.

He wrote the notes quickly and stuffed them next to his pillow. It wasn’t that he didn’t have a lot to say, it was just that he didn’t want to wait any longer. His mum would surely find them there, and the pass Phil’s onto him.

So with his letter written, he grabbed a knife from the kitchen. He ran it over his finger, noticing it was rather blunt. So after sharpening the blade, he made his way up to the small room and into the bathtub.

_ This is it _ , he thought, gloomy thoughts clouding his mind.  _ This is really it. In a half hour’s time, I won’t be on the planet anymore. _

Dan craved the idea of never having to think again. Never having to see Sam or teachers or failed test scores. He’d never get to see Phil or his mum, but he scolded himself at the guilt. Phil was better off without him and his mum would probably be sad but she’d move on with her life, realising how worthless her only son was to begin with.

And so with those thoughts in mind, he brought the blade to his wrist, slicing it open with a deep cut. It stung more than his usual cuts did but he figured that was because it was deeper. He swapped the knife to his already blood-covered hand and did the same to his left wrist. He dropped the blade, not even feeling the cut on his calf as the knife slipped past and onto the bathtub floor.

He watched the blood drain from his wrists, putting pressure to help the blood ooze out. That was the last thing he remembered before the black spots came and enveloped his vision. He let them take him into his subconscious.

~~~~

When he blinked his eyes open, he wasn’t really aware of where he was. He slowly turned his head, wincing at the bright lights.

Hospital.

He was at a fucking hospital.

Of course, he was. The world just wouldn’t let him go without a fight, would it?

He saw a figure out in the hallway and tried to listen to the voices but he couldn’t make them out. Minutes later though, he saw the face the voice belonged to.

Phil.

“Dan! You’re awake, oh god you’re still here!” he sobbed, rushing forward to wrap his arms around Dan’s still sleepy body.

“Phil,” Dan breathed out, trying to organise his thoughts and apologise to Phil.

“What the fuck were you doing, Dan?!” Phil suddenly snapped.

“I-”

“No! Nothing you say will make you forgive you for this! I’ve been gone less than a month and when I come back for a surprise visit with a date planned, it’s to you lying unconscious in your bathtub surrounded by your own blood! What the fuck Dan!?”

Tears started steaming from Dan’s eyes again. “P-Phil, I’m sorry,” he stuttered out, hiccuping halfway.

His voice softened. “Aw, don’t cry, Dan. I’m sorry for getting angry. It’s just- I love you so much and I don’t want to lose you.”

“I’m really sorry, Phil. Everything just kinda built up and I had to. I couldn’t stop myself. I called you like you said but you didn’t pick up.”

“I must have been in a bad service area on the train. Shit, you’re saying this is my fault? That if I’d answered my-”

“Phil,” Dan interrupted. “This is  _ not _ your fault, I promise. Everything I wrote in there; that’s all true, Phil.”

Phil whipped a tear from his eye, a new tear replacing it soon after.

“You can’t do that, love. You can’t.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry Lion, I’m so sorry.”

The next half hour was spent comforting each other, Phil begging Dan to never to it again and Dan promising he wouldn’t.

Dan’s mum had been consulting with doctors about what they had to do but as soon as she heard word of her baby being awake, she was running to his room and enveloping him in a hug, crying into his hospital robe. She had mascara tracks on her face but she didn’t seem to care as she looked at her some with such love and worry-filled eyes.

In the end, the doctor’s prescribed medication for the pain and depression, along with instructions on caring for the wounds. Lastly, he had bi-weekly appointments with one of the phycologists at the hospital. Phil held his hand as the doctor’s explained, and as Dan contracted for safety as they’d requested.

“Let’s get you home, Phil do you need a lift home as well?”

“No thanks Laura, I can walk,” he said, remembering the countless times she’d asked Phil to call her by her first name.

“Okay Deary, stay safe, yeah? And feel free to visit whenever you want. I’m sure Dan’ll appreciate it.”

“I am here, you know,” he grumbled.

“Bye, Love,” Phil said instead of acknowledging him, knowing Dan was just moody from the meds they hospital had him on.

“Let’s go home, hm?” Laura said, cuddling Dan into her side as she signed the discharge papers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Dan's been clean from self-harm for a month (it's been six months since Phil found out). Phil goes off to uni in Manchester because his mum studied there, leaving Dan another year at school with his bullies.  
> The physical abuse comes back and Dan gets really low so attempts suicide. Phil comes for a surprise visit with a date plan and finds him though so they're rushed to hospital where Dan contracts for safety before finally getting cleared to go home.


	11. Welcome Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp11: References to self-harm/suicide, homophobic slurs. As always, tell me if I’ve missed something!

The afternoon Dan got home from the hospital, two days after his suicide attempt, he’d planned to simply sleep for fifteen hours. His mother had other plans apparently though; as soon as the car pulled up in the driveway, Chris was pulling open the car door and Pj was rushing to wrap him in a hug.

“Peej, Peej careful,” Dan said, trying to not let the boy know how much he was actually hurting. The boy had unknowingly caught his arm against the car seat, causing his skin to tug.

“Sorry; are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, you were just tugging on my stitches.”

“Stitches, mate? You sure did a number on yourself, huh?” Chris butted in.

“Dan, I know Phil’s not at school anymore, and Chris has ditched us for his apprenticeship-”

“Hey!”

“But I’m still here. I don’t want to have to hear you’ve tried again Dan. Do you know how much I panicked? I had a full-blown panic attack mid lunch at just the thought of never seeing you again. So you can’t do that to me - or any of us - again, okay Dan?”

“I-I know, I’m sorry Peej, I really am. And Chris I’m sorry to you too.”

“Don’t sweat it, mate. Just, like, don’t do it again and we’re all good.”

Dan smiled sheepishly and nodded before climbing out of the car to give him a hug.

~~~~

“Dan, can you come down for a moment?” Mrs Howell called up the stairs. Dan groaned, rolling over and climbing out of bed. He stumbled down the stairs in boxers and a loose long-sleeve shirt, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he went. “Uh, Dan?” his mother said. He looked up, eyes going wide at the sight of more than just his mother in the room.

Phil, Chris and PJ were there of course. Along with Mr Lester and Anaya with her boyfriend. Behind the small crowd was a tall man with a beard longer than it had been last time Dan had seen him.

“Dad!” he squealed in excitement, running to his father and wrapping him in a hug.

“Hey there, Bear, how you going?”

“I missed you.”

After the reunion, Dan realised his rather undressed state, blushed profusely, and excused himself to get dressed. His father was given six months off from duty since he’d been working so much the past fifteen years.

When he came back down, people were socialising in pairs or small groups. Dan made his way to Phil’s side, desperate for the physical contact. While he knew and loved everyone here, there were still more people than he was comfortable with. Not to mention they all (maybe  hopefully excluding Aya’s boyfriend) knew why they were there.

“How are you feeling, Love?” Phil whispered into his ear.

“Alright, better with you here. Did you or mum plan this?”

“I did. I thought it might cheer you up,” he hummed, kissing Dan’s temple.

“It does. And Dad’s back, it’s so good to see him after so many years. I don’t actually remember him, I was a toddler when he left. But I’ve seen photos and heard stories. This- It’s nice. Thank you, Phil,” he grinned, casting a glance towards his father who was in deep conversation with Mrs Howell and Mr Lester.

“You’re welcome, Danny,” he smiled.

“Phil, can I introduce you to my dad?”

“And here we go. Let’s get this over with,” he chided lightly, following Dan’s lead over to Dan’s parents and his own father.

“Dad, this is Phil, Phil, my Dad, Luka,” he introduced.

“Lovely to meet you, young man,” Mr Howell said, holding out his hand for Phil to shake.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Dan’s told me about you.”

“He has?” the man said, looking over to his son. “I didn’t think you’d remember anything about me.”

“I don’t remember much, but Mum’s told me stories and I’ve read your letters.”

Mr Howell grinned. “Well son, I’m proud of the young man you’re becoming alongside your friends. They all seem like really nice people.”

“They are,” he agreed. “Phil’s the best though. He’s been through a lot, almost as much as Pj.”

“You’ll have to catch me up on your life, I’m afraid, I don’t really know anything about you.”

“Oh, well, uh, Phil’s my boyfriend for starters,” he said, hoping his dad wasn’t about to abandon him after just getting him back.

“You treat him right and I’m sure we’ll be good friends,” he said to Phil, nodding. He didn’t even mention the fact that Dan was dating a boy.  _ Just how it should be _ , he thought simply before launching into the story of how the two had met, Mr Howell laughing at the story while his wife and new friend, Mr Lester, enjoyed the memory.

But still, all good things had to come to an end.

“I’m gonna get some fresh air, okay?” he said to Phil, wiggling out of his arm.

“Are you okay? Do you want me to come with you?” he asked quickly, clearly worried.

“No, I’m alright. Just need some air. I’ll be okay, promise.” Phil nodded, looking a little apprehensive but agreeing anyway.

“Text me if you want me.” Dan nodded and headed for the front yard. He took a seat on the step leading up to the front door; his hands now supporting his head.

“Daniel Howell,” a not-so-cheery voice called. He looked up and recognised the person but couldn’t remember where from.

“Uh,” he said, racking his brain for a name.

Clearly, the woman realised. “Marissa, Phil’s aunt,” she explained, taking a seat.

“Oh, h-how are you?” Dan asked, nervous now that he remembered who she was.

“I wanted to tell you that killing yourself is a sin, you’ll go to hell. You’re also ruining my nephew while you’re at it. Leave him alone and I’ll pray for you every night; God will forgive you and let you into heaven.

“How’d y-you find out-t about th-that?”

“I am friends with Phil’s father you realise. I just happened to check his calendar and saw a ‘welcome home from hospital party’. The suicide part was easy. What else would a faggot like you be in hospital for?”

“You-You’re not welc-come here, p-please leave.” Dan tried to ignore the words repeating in his head.  _ Fag. Suicide. Sin. Ruin. _ She was right. He was ruining Phil.

“God, please forgive me for what I’m about to say,” she said to herself, looking up at the sky. She then stared Dan right in the eye. “This might work better next time, I pray you succeed, for my nephew, of course,” she said, passing him a switchblade knife with a gleamingly sharp edge.

Dan pocketed the blade. He’d decide later what to do with it. At that exact moment, before he could ask her to leave again, his mother came outside.

“How you going, bud?” she asked, eyes looking up to the other woman before Dan answered, not that he was going to. “Hello, do I know you?” she asked, confused.

“No, sorry. I’m Marissa Cole, Phil’s aunt.”

“Oh how lovely to meet you,” Mrs Howell grinned. “I’m Laura, Dan’s mum.”

“It’s a pleasure,” she said charmingly. She’d clearly won Mrs Howell over with the simple exchange.

“How would you like to come inside. There’s cake and some other snacks on the table. Make yourself at home, please.”

“Thank you, Laura.” With Aunt Marissa inside, Mrs Howell sat down beside her son.

“What’s up, hm?” she said lightly, bumping their shoulders together with a smile.

“Alright, just-just needed some fresh air.”

“If you’re sure. Come back inside when you’re ready, okay, Love?”

“Yeah,” Dan agreed, standing and brushing off his legs. As the two turned to head into their house, a commotion came from inside.

“Ms Cole, she’s uh, kinda really religious? She hates me because I’m dating Phil,” Dan explained quickly, heading into the room.

“Dan, I’m so sorry; I didn’t realise,” she said, quickly following behind Dan.

After a rather short argument, Marissa left the Howell household but not without a glare in Dan’s direction. He remembered the words clear as day.  _ I pray you succeed. _ She fucking wanted him to be dead. He knew it was only out of love for Phil but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

“Dan, did she say anything to you?” Phil asked, wrapping his arm around Dan’s waist from behind and resting his head of Dan’s shoulder.

“N-no.”

“What’s- Dan!” he asked, planning to have asked what was in Dan’s pocket until he pulled it out to see.

“I-I’m sorry, Phil. I swear I didn’t get that myself,” he tried.

“Then explain to me how this ended up in your back pocket!?” he snapped. Dan shied out of his grip and went into his mother’s warm embrace.

“Your aunt, she gave it to me. She said she would pray I succeed next time,” he said, tears slipping from his eyes as he verbally repeated what he’d been told.

“Oh, Dan, baby, no,” his mother quickly comforted. Mr Howell too joined the hug, quickly followed by Phil and the rest of the party-goers, save for Aya’s boyfriend and Mr Lester. Dan felt warm and loved, surrounded by the six most important people in his life.


	12. Jealousy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp12: Mention of cheating (but no actual cheating).

After Dan completed his SATs and passed with flying colours, he decided to follow Phil up north for uni. His mother hugged him goodbye with a demand for him to visit soon.

He grinned, two large suitcases by his side as he boarded the train which would take him two blocks from his new home.

His thoughts wandered widely on the ride up North. He was excited to get to see Phil every day again as they’d arranged to share a dorm room. He was excited for movie nights cuddled on one of their beds and he was excited to explore Manchester with Phil by his side.

“The train will next stop at Manchester Picadilly Station,” the intercom said. Dan grabbed his two bags and shuffled down the stairs, struggling to keep his balance. He wished Phil could have met him at the station but he had a class so Dan had to make the full journey alone. Phil did say he’d been in their room when he arrived though so he could at least see his boyfriend then.

“Do you need some help there?” A man who looked in his twenties asked.

“No, I’m alright.”

“You sure? I’m happy to help; I’ve got some time to kill anyway,” he continued.

“Well, I guess you can help. I’m going to Manchester University, it’s like two blocks away.”

“Yeah, I know where that is. Great lecturers, I completed my honours there.”

Dan carefully handed over one of his suitcases (the one filled with clothes and toiletries) after working out which one didn’t have his electronics in it.

The two men made their way out of the station and towards the uni campus.

“Name’s Will, by the way,” he said casually.

“I’m Dan,” Dan answered. He’d briefly thought about giving a fake name but decided this man seemed trustworthy enough.

“Nice to meet you, Dan.”

~~~~

Will left him at the uni entrance, saying he wanted to look around a little before meeting his girlfriend who was yet to arrive. He made his way across campus, eyes wide as he took in the large fields filled with chatting students. The year hadn’t started yet so everyone had free time to socialise and get settled into the routine before classes started in a week’s time (Phil had a class over the break to get a better mark in one of his subjects).

He quickly checked his room number with the staff member in the dorm block and made his way to the third floor, hauling his luggage behind him. He pulled the key out from his pocket and turned the lock. He was looking forward to seeing his boyfriend who should be right behind the door. He wasn’t though, so when Dan pushed open the door and was met with an empty room save for Phil’s belongings, he was disappointed. He hadn’t seen Phil in the flesh for over a month and he was in desperate need for a cuddle.

Still, Phil wasn’t there. He said he would be and he wasn’t.  _ No, he probably just got caught up or something _ , Dan scolded himself, dragging his bags into the room. Phil had helped him with his not-so-nice thoughts, helping him challenge them with the knowledge that Phil loved him and so did everyone else.

He pulled out his phone and sat on the unmade bed that he guessed was to be his.  _ I’m in our dorm, why aren’t you here? :( _

The reply didn’t come for twenty minutes, in which Dan had begun unpacking.  _ Sorry, I’m with Rich. I’ll see you at dinner. _

Dan looked at his clock and saw it wasn’t even two in the afternoon.  _ Can I come see you now? What’s his room number? _

The reply was near-instantaneous this time.  _ Just wait till dinner, I’m busy studying. _

Dan took a second to question what Phil could possibly be studying since it was the beginning of the year and the last week of his summer class, but he chose to not question it. Phil seemed a little standoffish and he didn’t want to make it worse by asking invasive questions.

So he just resigned himself to unpacking, trying not to look at the clock every two minutes and failing miserably.

He glanced at the clock for the forty-seventh time that afternoon, grinning as he saw it was 6:02 pm. Dinner started at six, meaning he could now message Phil without being considered a nuisance and make his way down to dinner.

_ Meet at 6:10? _ He sent the message quickly, pulling his converse back onto his feet and taming his fringe.

_ Have to cancel, sorry, Love. Rich decided to order a pizza so I’m hanging with him. _

_ You do love your pizza :P Have fun! _

_ Will do ;)  _ He sent another message seconds later.  _ Meant :) oops _

Dan tried not to let it show in his message how much he was hurt. He’d arrived just after lunchtime and he’d still yet to see Phil.

He sighed, serving a plate of two-minute noodles he’d found in the cupboard. Dan noted that there wasn’t a chef or canteen area like he’d expected; there was simply a too-small kitchen and lounging area by the main entrance.

He headed into the lounge and took a seat at one of the less-crowded tables.

Twenty minutes later, there was a cry from the kitchen.“Who took my noodles?!”

Dan looked to his now empty bowel and groaned. Of course this place didn’t have communal food. And of course, he’d happened to take someone else’s. He mentally tried to prepare himself for a beating as the boy came out from the kitchen.

“Anyone seen my two-minute noodles?”

“Uh, I think I ate them. Sorry, I didn’t realise there wasn’t communal food. I can buy you some more tomorrow, I’m sorry.”

“Dude, chill,” he laughed. “Let me guess, freshmen?”

“Yeah.” He looked down.

“It’s no problem, I was just cranky cause now I have to make some shit to eat,” he explained.

“I’ll make you dinner! What do you want?”

“I was just gonna make a sandwich and maybe cook some veggies. I can manage it; besides you don’t even have any food to cook with, newbie.”

“Oh, yeah. I-I’m sorry,” he stuttered, still preparing for a beating that had yet to come. The man seemed nice enough but Dan knew appearances could be misleading.

“Dude, this in uni, there aren’t any assholes who are gonna beat you up. Everyone’s adults by now who, ya know, actually want to learn. Stop being so scared.”

Dan nodded sheepishly, scared at being caught so easily in his fear. He simply chose to move on, grabbing the bowel he’d eaten from and taking it into the kitchen to wash up.

“So, what’s your name anyway?”

“Dan, Dan Howell.”

“Huh, that’s funny. I’m Daniel, but everyone just calls me Cheezel,”

“May I ask why?” he questioned, already backing up despite the very same guy saying no one was gonna hurt him at uni.

“Freshmen year, all I ate was cheezels; it kinda just stuck, I guess.”

Dan laughed, explaining his odd nickname of Bear, not realising the actual connotations of the name. Cheezel simply grinned. “You aren’t hairy enough to be a bear. You’re more of a twink.”

Dan blushed profusely. “I have a boyfriend.”

“Lucky guy.” After that, Dan quickly made his way out of the kitchen and the conversation. He was just going to spend the evening in his and Phil’s room.  _ Not that Phil seems to frequent there very often _ , his mind sassed.

He figured his boyfriend would have to come back eventually and so he decided to stake it out. He pulled out his laptop, preparing to stay up however many hours for Phil to return.

~~~~

Phil did eventually return. At 10:46 pm to be precise. Dan had sat on his bed, eyes half-lidded from sleep, squinting at his phone screen through the dark.

“Dan!” Phil squealed, seemingly shocked.

Dan looked up, his slow reflexes evident. “Phil, you-you’re here,” he said, blinking slowly.

“Dan, Jesus, did you stay up for me? Go to sleep, Love,” Phil breathed out, stepping over to Dan’s bed and sitting on the edge.

“Wan-wan’d to see you,” Dan slurred. Phil mentally compared him to someone who was far too drunk and wondered how long it’d take Dan to come stumbling home, demanding cuddles. It was a well-known fact the first year of uni was spent partying, throwing up from being too drunk and panicking when due dates arrive.

“Well, you can see me now, Love. Go to sleep, okay?”

“No,” he mumbled in complaint. “Cuddles,” he whined, stretching his arms out slowly and reaching for Phil.

Phil sighed and climbed into bed next to him. “You know they give us two beds for a reason, right?”

Dan never replied, having already fallen asleep with his head on Phil’s chest. “Sleep well, my love,” Phil whispered to him, kissing his curly hair before closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep himself.

Weeks later, when the semester had started and freshmen were beginning the intense party regime, Dan came to him crying.

“D-do you w-ant-t to b-break up-p with m-me?” he cried, arms wrapped around his body to protect himself from the emotional blow of a breakup.

“What? Dan, what are you talking about? Why would you think that?”

Dan hiccupped so much it was hardly understandable but Phil caught the just of it. “Y-you a-and Rich-ch ha-ave b-been hang-hanging out-t s-so much-ch. H-he s-said y-you were f-fuck- said y-you a-re t-togeth-ther.”

“Dan, Danny no. We’re simply friends, I promise, Bear. I’d never cheat on you. Bear, how long have you thought this was going on?”

“T-two week-ks?”

“Bear, oh Dan no. We never were. You didn’t-you didn’t do anything, did you?”

“N-no, I want-ted to b-but st-topped my-myself,” he explained. The stuttering wasn’t stopping and Dan’s breathing was still fast, alerting Phil that he was on the edge of a panic attack.

“Hey, it’s ok, Dan. I’m so happy you didn’t do anything. Do you want to cuddle?” he asked carefully. Dan just needed to be shown he was in control of the situation; he panicked when he didn’t have enough control and that’s probably why he was panicking now. He had absolutely no control over what Phil was going to say in response or how he was going to act. He didn’t know Phil was wrapped around his finger, the rope too strong to ever break, not that Phil wanted it to.

Dan nodded, attempting to clear his face of tears. Phil wrapped his arm around Dan’s shoulders and led them to their room, unlocking it quickly and climbing onto his bed, arms open for Dan to climb into.

They sat for hours in the end, simply cuddling or whispering words of love to each other. They’d ended up kissing at some point, Dan sitting on Phil’s chest, connecting their mouths as they both got excited for what was obvious to come.


	13. Lack of Self-Care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp13: Fainting, Hospitals, Lack of self-care, Mentions of eating disorders, Talks of overworking oneself.

Dan sighed, looking at the $13.47 he had left in his bank account. He’d had a couple hundred saved up over the past year but the Chrismas holidays always made his wallet suffer. It wasn’t even the gifts that made his bank wriggle in pain; it was his damn textbooks. Why they needed a new book every year he’d never understand. Half of them were the same with irrelevant pictures changed or a few sentences altered to something pretentious and even more confusing.

His timetable was equally confusing. As he was in his third year, he had to pick two electives to abandon and then arrange his schedule so he could make it to all his classes and still manage his workload. The entire thing was stressful and this was still nothing compared to the number of essays he had to write every week, not to mention the ever-looming thesis he had to start writing that year.

He’d only relapsed twice since entering uni, the second of which was quite severe resulting in a trip to A&E. Phil had been keeping a close eye on him though, making sure he was safe at all times until slowly letting his guard back down as time went on. He was a good boyfriend, they were sitting just past the seven-year mark for their relationship and it was still just as strong as when they first got together.

But despite their adoration for each other, Dan still had problems. It wasn’t that he’d meant to stop eating, or meant to overwork himself, it had just happened.

He knew he had to get through uni as his dad said he had. His dad had started sending more frequent letters and was coming back every few years for a few weeks or so. Still, he hated uni; Phil was the only part he liked. Sure, he had other friends, but they didn’t ask him to join them very often which made him feel like they were simply being nice people when he did tag along.

So when Phil asked him on a date, offered him a day outside of the brown brown brown that was the dorm, he gladly accepted.

They decided to revisit all the spots they went to when Phil first took Dan around Manchester. The Manchester Eye, Starbucks (which was still their favourite place to get drinks from), the Apple store and last but not least, the Skybar.

That had been Dan’s favourite place, maybe aside from The Manchester Eye where Phil snogged the life out of him at the very top and gave him a ring promising they’d be together forever. Yeah, that had Dan sobbing in a matter of seconds. When they’d come back down, Phil had led a teary Dan off the ride with one of the workers coming to see he was okay.

The Skybar had been immense fun. They’d taken the elevator to the high-up floor and ordered drinks, both showing ID to prove they were old enough for the alcoholic beverages they were about to be served. With drinks in hand, they’d made their way across the floor and found a sofa looking out to the city. Taking a seat, Dan snuggled up under Phil’s arm, smiling as he sipped his drink.

The sun had started setting as the day went on and now they’d sat with a perfect view, Manchester City with the sun setting behind it. The date was truly heavenly and Dan told Phil this, thanking him for the wonderful day. Phil simply replied that he was worth it after all the joy and happiness he’d brought into the older boy’s life. And really, Dan had never been more thankful for breaking a bone; after all, if he hadn’t all those years ago, chances were he never would have become friends with Phil.

Dan felt tears slip from his eyes, causing Phil to worry.

“You okay, Love?” he asked cautiously.

“Y-yeah, just really happy is all. I’m so lucky to have you,” he smiled, wiping his tears and kissing Phil’s chin.

“I’m the one who’s lucky.” Dan didn’t get a chance to reply as a yawn overtook him, causing Phil to laugh. “Should we head back?”

Dan nodded sleepily. “Just gotta pee first.”

“Way to ruin the mood, Dan,” he grinned, helping Dan stand on his tired feet.

“So you don’t have a pee kink, shame,” Dan smirked in return, causing Phil to turn red with a ‘just go’ on his lips.

Dan did as ordered, swinging his hips in the subtle way he always did as he walked.

Phil stood by the bar, waiting for Dan to come out from the bathroom. He’d requested a water bottle to take back with them in case either of them (mainly Dan since he still can’t handle his alcohol) needed something non-alcoholic in their system.

After a few minutes, Phil pulled out his phone, replying to a message from Rich and then scouring tumblr. It wasn’t till he glanced at the time that he realised how long Dan had been gone for.  _ At least ten minutes _ , he thought idly.

He decided to just casually use the bathroom too. No reason for Dan to know he was worried about him. And so he pulled the fogged door open and back-pedalled at the sight. Phil quickly alerted the staff attending the bar before rushing into the bathroom, cradling Dan and pressing his shirt against his head. He was bleeding, but something about this told Phil it was an accident.

~~~~

Phil remembered the time he’d found Dan in the bathtub. The hours spent waiting in the hospital, waiting for news. “Daniel Howell?” a nurse suddenly called and Phil’s head shot up at the sound of his boyfriend’s name.

“Yes? Is he okay?”

“He’s going to be just fine. We can’t find any sign of brain trauma which is remarkable. He will likely have a concussion and some strong swelling but we expect a full recovery. He’s a very lucky boy.”

“Do you know what made him faint?”

“I was hoping to ask you that actually. According to his medical records, there isn’t a history of seizures or anything of that sort. Are you aware of any family history with anything like that?”

“Uh, no, none at all I don’t think.”

“Okay, that most likely rules that out then. Another theory is malnutrition. He isn’t underweight which is good but his body didn’t have enough to support itself. He fainted and hit his head from what we can gather. Now we don’t usually like jumping to conclusions but someone his age should be eating plenty of healthy foods and shouldn’t be fainting at random times.” The nurse paused. “Are there any signs of an eating disorder? Avoiding meals, perhaps? Going to the bathroom after eating? Anything like that?”

“No no, none at all. He-he is in his third year of uni though and he’s really stressed. Could he maybe have just been overworking himself?”

“It could be yes. We’d still like to have someone from our psych team talk with him though, just to rule out the possibility of something more severe going on.” Phil nodded in understanding and the nurse left him outside Dan’s room. “He isn’t awake yet, but it shouldn’t be too long before the pain medication we gave him wears off.”

“Thank you,” Phil added just before she left.

She grinned. “Just doing my job, Mr…”

“Lester, but call me Phil.”

“Just doing my job, Phil,” she smiled. She turned to walk down another corridor and Phil turned into the hospital room.

Turns out the nurse was a little off on her judgment as Dan was already awake, grinning when he saw Phil.

“Hey,” he mumbled, wincing when he tried to turn his head to follow Phil.

“How are you feeling?”

“Alright, my head hurts. What happened?”

Phil took a moment to take in Dan’s appearance. He was pale, had a cannula in his hand which was pumping salty water into his body. He had a thin hospital robe on, one that hung low on his chest and revealed a hickey on Dan’s collarbone from a few nights before. His hands, which were skinny but not unhealthily so clung to the knitted blanket atop the bedsheets.

“You fainted.”

“I- what? Why?”

“The doctors think you might have malnutrition or an eating disorder. I told them you eat. You-you don’t have an eating disorder, right?” he asked, suddenly realising he wasn’t certain.

“No, no Phil I don’t. I promise. I guess I’ve just been a little busy lately. Uni’s been getting to me.”

“That’s okay, I’m really glad you’re okay though.”

“Me too,” he grinned before quickly dropping it. “Smiling hurts,” he explained quickly.

Phil grinned. “I can smile for both of us, don’t worry.”

“You’re so damn… cheesy,” he said, having to pause halfway so he could cough.

“Ew, germs!” Phil squealed and Dan almost smiled again.

“You’ve had sex with me, Phil, multiple times. I think any germs I have have already been passed on,” he said, dead face.

Phil simply burst out laughing.

The doctors and nurses finished their checkup quickly and after Dan was given strict instructions to stay in bed as much as possible and make sure to eat three good meals a day, he was allowed free from the hospital. Phil insisted calling a cab back to the dorms, saying Dan wasn’t supposed to be doing exercise. Dan had tried to argue that walking three blocks wasn’t exercise but Phil wasn’t having any of it.

~~~~

“Can we cuddle?” Phil asked as soon as they entered their dorm room. Dan’s eyes were already half-lidded with exhaustion but he nodded anyway, climbing into Phil’s lap.

“‘m sorry for scaring you,” he mumbled.

“It’s okay, you didn’t mean to. And the important thing is you’re okay now and you know you need to take better care of yourself.”

Dan shook his head. “‘s your job,” he said and Phil could feel Dan’s smile through his shirt.

“Well where’s my paycheck then?” he accused, playing along.

“You’re paid with my amazing company.”

Phil laughed. “I am indeed. Go to sleep, Love; I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Dan smiled again. “Thanks, Phil. I love you.”

“I love you too Dan, sleep well.”

As Dan slept his troubles away, Phil combed his finger’s through the curly brown hair, humming to himself and thinking of how much he loved the freckled boy in his arms.


	14. Little Day Out

He really hadn’t expected anything to come from his late-night tumblr browsing session. He yawned, looking at his too-bright screen through the dark room.

Meme. Meme. Meme. Ooh, dank meme. Meme. TV show spoilers that made him groan out loud. Meme. Meme. And the post that changed his week.

It wasn’t even anything profound like a quote or an artwork. No, it was simply a picture of a  _ Winnie The Pooh _ sippy cup. He didn’t know why he liked the sight of it so much. His mind kind of numbed at just the sight.

He quickly realised how weird it was; he, a grown man, looking at plastic cups made for toddlers. He continued scrolling through his feed but he couldn't get the cup out of his mind. It was 2 am when he finally decided to just go to sleep.

Over the next week, his thoughts of the sippy cup hadn’t gone away. He’d thought it was just a weird thought his sleepy mind had created through the haze but the thought continued to stay. He wanted a sippy cup like that. And the more he thought about it, the more he realised he’d like plates and bowls and cutlery all of the same theme.

He decided he needed to know more about why he wanted this stuff. Surely it couldn’t be normal and he wanted to know what it was that was making him this way.

Turns out simply google searches weren’t working. They’d come up with all sorts of mental disorders that Dan didn’t relate to himself. He knew he was depressed even if he wasn’t diagnosed, but he wasn’t any of these things the internet tried to tell him he was. He remembered back to when Phil had been sick. Dan had told him not to go to google since it wasn’t a doctor, it would simply tell him he was dying from cancer when in fact he had a cold. That’s just how it tended to work.

So with google providing no answers, he decided to check tumblr again. He’d quickly typed in ‘Winnie the Pooh sippy cup’ into the search bar and hit enter. What loaded hadn’t simply been cups. There were pacifiers and teddies in the mix. He located the post he’d originally seen and clicked on it. The blog was filled with pictures of things designed solely for kids, or more specifically babies and toddlers.

He glanced at the description of the blog.  _ ‘Lilly - Little Girl - 26 - Little age: 3’ _

Dan was confused. The girl - Lilly - was twenty-six but had a ‘little age’ of three. What did that even mean? He quickly went back to google with new keywords to search and pages appeared with the actual stuff he was after.

_ ‘Littles. Caregivers. Bringing it up with partners. Finding a caregiver. Finding a little.’ _ There were heaps of links on the first page of the website and he clicked on one that simply said  _ ‘info for littles’ _ which was next to an  _ ‘info for cgs’ _ . Dan decided to get reading. Even if this wasn’t actually what he was looking for, there was no harm in learning something new.

A few hours later, Dan had a very thorough understanding of what a little was and what a caregiver was. The worst part about the whole thing though was that the more he read, the more he wanted to try it. It just seemed so nice, behaving and thinking like a kid, not having to stress over uni or life in general. So with a heavy sigh, he clicked on the  _ ‘Bringing it up with your partner’ _ link and settled in. He was going to tell Phil when he got back from a study session with Rich. It would be late at night, and if it was awkward at least they could sleep it off. And if Phil hated him, well he had a friend who had paid extra for their own dorm room.

By the time Phil came back, he was ready.

“Hi,” he said, somewhat shyly and his voice a higher pitch than it normally is. Dan didn’t know if that was because he was nervous or because he was kind of in, what he’d learnt was, little space.

“Hey,” Phil answered, climbing onto his bed and pulling out his laptop straight away.

“Uh, can we talk?”

And so they did. Dan told Phil about all the things he’d learnt and most importantly, that he wanted to try it. Phil, of course, had many questions and Dan answered each and every one of them to the best of his ability.

~~~~

They’d cuddled into bed the night before, both having a basic idea of what the following day would entail. They’d decided they’d have a go; Dan being little and Phil being the caregiver and looking after him. Neither were really sure what to expect but they decided trying couldn’t hurt anyone.

Phil blinked his eyes open, internally hating his past self for leaving the blinds open and allowing the sun to stream right onto his pillow.

He looked down at Dan who was resting against his chest, Dan’s head placed atop his heart. He was beautiful with the light casting shadows on his face; Phil couldn’t help but run his fingers through Dan’s hair, feeling the soft curls wrap around his fingers.

He used his free arm - or, semi-free as it was trapped under Dan’s body - to reach for his phone. He’d had thoughts and questions racing in his head and while he and Dan had talked about it for a solid two hours at least, he still had questions be didn’t want to ask.

And so, too embarrassed to ask his boyfriend some of his questions, he turned to Google. He quickly found a forum for new caregivers where all sorts of questions were asked and answered, forming discussion upon discussion.

By the time Dan awoke from his sleep, Phil had had all the answers to his burning questions and had even learnt a few extra things. For example, some caregivers actually found it as a stress relief to look after a little. He didn’t know if he’d find it “relaxing” to look after a kid, even if that kid was an adult, but he remembered his thoughts from the night before. No harm could come from trying.

“Morning,” Dan grumbled, trying to bury his head further into Phil’s chest as if it were a pillow that could swallow him whole.

“Morning, Dan-ny,” he replied, deciding the nickname might work better.

“Bweakie?” Dan questioned. Phil summoned his most accurate portrayal of how his own mother raised him.

“What do we say?” he asked in his northern accent. Since starting uni it had naturally turned into his childhood accent but funnily enough, it seemed to help him envision his mother. He felt a sense of guilt and sadness thinking of his mother but pushed it aside.  _ It was never my fault _ , he reminded himself.

“Pweety pwease?” Dan whined.

Phil didn’t even think as he patted Dan’s head and said, “Good boy.”

“Where Lacy?” he then questioned. Phil realised Dan basically was a fully grown adult with a toddler’s mind at this point. He had short attention spans and couldn’t form proper sentences. Phil couldn’t help think it was incredibly cute.

“Who’s Lacy, Love?”

“My puppy!” he answered excitedly. He suddenly - even if he was slow - climbed off Phil and waddled into the adjoining bathroom. He came back grinning. “Lacy!” he squealed.

Phil was baffled. They obviously didn’t have a dog; even if they did want one, no way would the school ever allow one in their dorms. There was a service dog that stayed in one of the rooms down the hall but that was a very different situation to having one as a pet.

“Dan, I’m confused,” Phil said, breaking the ‘character’ he’d subconsciously created.

“Lacy! See!” he said, picking up nothing but air and holding his arms out as if he were Rafiki holding Simba on Pride Rock.

“She’s very pretty,” he ended up saying after a too-long pause. Was this simply Dan’s imaginary friend? Did littles even get imaginary friends? He briefly thought about his schizophrenic uncle before quickly discarding that theory. Dan would have been showing symptoms for a lot longer if that were the case. So clearly this was just his imagination. “What type is she, Danny?” he asked carefully, hoping the ‘dog’ wasn’t an obvious breed.

“She’s a corgi, Philly!” he answered in astonishment. “You love her!”

“I do, she’s a pretty girl, aren’t you?” Phil proceeded to say, changing who he was speaking through halfway as his eyes strayed to the ‘puppy’ in Dan’s hands.

Hours later after Phil had collected their breakfast and continued to feed Dan since he apparently couldn’t do it himself.

“Philly, I need go pee-pee,” he suddenly whined.

Phil simply blushed. “What- why are- do you need help or something?” It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen Dan’s dick before but there was certainly something different about helping someone pee, especially when that someone had an adult penis with a kid’s mind.

Phil couldn’t help feeling like a pedophile as he helped Dan go to the bathroom. Dan was an adult, for fuck’s sake, he consented to this. But still, his innocent speech and doe eyes played tricks on Phil’s conscience, tricks he couldn’t avoid.

~~~~

The next morning, the two had a long and thorough conversation, only interrupted when Rich demanded Phil come out of his room, saying he’d missed breakfast and was about to miss his first lecture.

The last thing Phil said before he left for his class was “I’d like to do that again.”

Rich groaned, saying he hadn’t wanted to hear that. Phil blushed and waved goodbye to a shy Dan. So what Rich thought they’d tried something probably super kinky in bed last night, Dan had his stress relief and Phil had Dan to help him lose a little stress too. It was a perfect outcome to a perfect - if awkward - day.


	15. Moving In Together

By the time Dan was in his last year of uni, Phil had completed his course. He knew he needed somewhere to go, he didn’t exactly want to go and live with his dad again all the way South, no matter how much he loved him. So he decided getting a flat would be his best option. He’d already enlisted Dan’s help, insisting Dan would likely be spending just as much time there as Phil.

Between Dan’s lectures and Phil’s internship hours, they arranged to look at six flats across Manchester.

The first one was an absolute disaster and neither Dan nor Phil had any idea how it was even for rent. There were holes in the carpeted floor, a rusted kitchen and too-small bedroom. Not to mention there was no shower - only a bath squished into the bathroom that Phil thought only a kid could use without bending their legs. This hadn’t even been considered a real option when, on their way out, saw a family of cockroaches crawl along the floor and into one of the aforementioned holes.

The second was significantly better. The place had a modern feel, a decent - if a bit old - kitchen and bathroom. The lounge was a decent size and so was the bedroom. There was even a small walk-in wardrobe in this one which Phil quite liked the idea of. Out of the two flats they’d seen, this one was looking quite promising.

The third was fantastic. There was an elevator to the floor it was on, which was something the previous two hadn’t had. The entryway was spacious and the carpet soft to the touch. Phil guessed it had been newly laid which made him wonder why since the place was for rent. The kitchen was mostly dark grey and white with a few hints of blue in the cabinets. The lounge was good too and the landlord explained the previous owners were leaving the tv there for free. There was a good-sized bedroom with an ensuite and balcony with a small table and chairs. The other bathroom, which came off the kitchen, was also small but filled out with all the necessities. Phil hadn’t even seen the other half of the flats when he decided he wanted this one. It wasn’t until the landlord mentioned the cost of rent that their hopes turned sour. Phil couldn’t afford a place like this on an intern’s salary. And so they said goodbye to what could have been a wonderful first home, ready and waiting to be filled with memories to cherish.

The fourth, fifth and six flats were all quite similar but still different in their own ways. They each had a small kitchen and bathroom, and a decent living area and bedroom. Two had balconies, and the one that didn’t, had a shower-bath, while the other two simply had showers.

The fourth was the one they ended up going with. Ultimately, while it had been Phil’s decision, Dan’s keen words for this flat in particular was the main reason he chose it. It had two bedrooms next to each other, a spacious living and kitchen area combined into one room with a bathroom off to the side. One of the bedrooms also had an ensuite, which Phil claimed the minute they decided it was that flat they were going for. Phil was a little disappointed by the lack of balcony but he considered the fact that the extra bedroom meant there was a possibility of a future flatmate.

To no one’s surprise, Dan ended up being that roommate. He’d been in uni for four months since Phil left and he was lonely, struggling with his last year of coursework before he’d complete exams and be free of the place he’d called home for three and a half years. He’d leave early morning and spend the entire day with Phil in his flat, only leaving after dark if he left at all. Half the nights he just slept over because it was easier and because Phil was protective and didn’t want Dan wandering around the city at night.

“Welcome home,” Phil whispered, arms wrapped around Dan’s shoulders from behind as they stood in the entryway to the flat they’d both called home since Phil had got it.

“I love you,” Dan whispered back, spinning to kiss his boyfriend on his cheek.

“Our first home together, huh?”

“Yeah, our home.  _ Ours _ , Phil! We live together!” Dan suddenly exclaimed, seeming to realise quite what was happening.

“Yep,” Phil giggled, loving how light-hearted and fun his boyfriend could be.

“We’ve got to celebrate!” Dan quickly decided, wiggling out of Phil’s grasp to dumb his stuff in his new room. “Popcorn, cuddles and  _ Harry Potter _ ?”

“Sounds perfect,” Phil grinned, tripping over his own feet in hast to catch his giggling boyfriend.

Phil microwaved the popcorn, laughing as Dan insisted it was onomatopoetic, repeating himself as he desperately tried to get Phil to hear something that wasn’t there. Dan had huffed when the timer beeped, the electric box saying he was out of time to prove his point. One glance from Phil proved he hadn’t won the game. Dan wasn’t complaining though; more attempts at showcasing the obvious only ended in more popcorn.

Halfway through the second movie, they made their way back to the kitchen, which realistically was on the other side of the same room. Phil poured them both a glass of wine, claiming they needed something ‘posh’ to celebrate with.

Less than an hour later, they were tipsy off both wine and love. Phil leaned into Dan, not going for a kiss, simply wanting to be closer to his lover. That innocence had ended quickly though as they collapsed onto the couch together, lips meeting lips in a silent kiss. It wasn’t heated, wasn’t hinting at anything more; it was simply a promise to them both that Dan was Phil’s and Phil was Dan’s.

~~~~

The morning after wasn’t awkward like you’d expect. Instead, Dan cuddled close to Phil, not a single ounce of embarrassment in his body. He didn’t care that he was stark naked, pressing himself closer to Phil. It simply didn’t matter because they loved each other and could now spend eternity together. Could now grow old with each other hand in hand. And could now love each other with no fear of being caught, no fear of being judged. Because this was  _ their _ home. And in their home, every type of love was accepted.


	16. Engagement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp16: None? There is smut though.

Everything was planned down to the smallest detail. Phil wasn’t letting anything ruin this night. His boyfriend of ten years didn’t quite have the same idea in mind though.

“Dan!” he whined out for the fourth time in ten minutes. “We’re going to be late!”

“Well sooooorrrry,” he sassed back, coming out of the bathroom with his hair curled perfectly on his head. He remembered the years Dan spent straightening his hair every morning, insisting he was slightly more attractive that way. He hadn’t had much self-esteem as a teenager but Phil helped him to see just how beautiful he was. When he’d expressed the interest in keeping his hair curly, Phil was fully supportive, and the fans were too.

“You’re gorgeous,” Phil whispered, pressing a kiss to his hair. “Now let’s go.”

“Fine fine, I’m ready,” Dan grinned back, taking Phil’s hand and leading them out of their home and down onto the street.

They climbed into the cab Phil had booked in advance and gave the woman the address for the restaurant. The two simply held hands in the back seat, casting glances to each other and back to the driver to make sure they were in the clear. It wasn’t that they were embarrassed by their relationship, but they knew there were homophobic people out there and sometimes it just wasn’t worth the risk. Phil didn’t want to have tonight ruined by anything, let alone some rude assholes who thought their opinion mattered to either of them.

“Thanks,” Phil said as they pulled up to the restaurant. The woman nodded and the climbed out; Phil had prepaid online so they didn’t have to worry about that. “Reservation under Lester, please.”

“Of course, right this way,” the waiter said. He wore a fancy but plain suit with white gloves covering his hands. His greying hair was brushed back smoothly and he bowed politely before leaving the two at their secluded table.

“Phil, how much did this cost?” Dan asked, only mildly serious as the waiter pulled off his suit jacket and hooked it on the chair behind him. Dan proceeded to fold the cuffs around his wrists until they were a partway up his arms. Phil followed his actions, realising it was a little warm in the room. 

“Don’t worry about it; the entire thing is coming from my paycheck.”

“Phil, you realise we share all our money, right?”

“Just let me pretend I’m paying for it okay?” he squeaked back, blushing a little.

“Of course. Now, what is the reason for this date, Mr Philip?”

“You sure ask a lot of question, huh?” Phil sidestepped.

“Fine. Don’t think I won’t find out though,” he threatened. Phil’s retort was cut short when a new waiter came over.

“Hello, I’m Trent and I’ll be your waiter this evening. Would you like some drinks to start with tonight?”

Dan spoke up first. “I’ll have a red wine please,” he answered. Phil took a brief moment to appreciate Dan’s confidence since he often relied solely on Phil to talk in public. He was getting better at it though, so maybe this was just another leap forward.

“Could I see some identification, Sir?”

“Oh, uh,” he said, fumbling around his pocket. “Here.” He passed over his never-used licence and the waiter nodded. “Thank you. And a drink for you, Sir?”

“Uh, I’ll have the same, please.”

The waiter nodded after seeing Phil’s ID. “I’ll bring your drinks out shortly.” Just as the previous waiter had done, he bowed lightly before swiftly walking away towards the kitchen.

By the time their meals arrived, they’d already had two glasses of wine each and their stomachs were half-filled with brioche. Dan had ordered a simple pasta dish, something he knew he’d enjoy, while Phil went a little more experimental, claiming he could just steal Dan’s dinner if he didn’t like it. Dan had scoffed at that. “Good luck getting me to share food of all things.”

“True; I’d sooner get you to share your body than I would your food,” he teased.

“So I like your dick, the point is you ain’t touching my dinner. This bitch is hungry.”

“Fine, I’ll just have to live with my caviar and soup.”

“Yeah, don’t expect a kiss until you brush your teeth,” Dan teased and cringed at the memory of Phil making him try some as he filmed it for his work colleges.

They chatted easily back and forth and as the meal began winding to a close, Phil knew it was now or never. “So Dan,” he started. Dan hummed. “You know how I was in line for a promotion?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, I finally got it.” Before Dan could share his excitement, Phil continued. “The thing is, it has to be at London BBC, the one here in Manchester doesn’t need an extra visual effects producer and manager. So, I think I want to take the job and move to London again.”

Dan stared blankly. “But Manchester is our home,” he argued.

“I know, and I love it here. But our parents are down South and this job would really help, Dan. I think this could be a new chapter in our life.”

“I- okay, when do you start the job?”

“We’ve still got a few months to pack up, they’ll provide a place to stay if we can’t get a flat before we need to travel down.”

“Okay, that works out well. Your dad is gonna be ecstatic,” Dan informed.

“So’s your mum.” He hummed.

“So is that was this dinner was about? Buttering me up so I’d be more likely to agree?”

“Well, no actually,” Phil said, planning his words and timing perfectly. Phil stood from his seat and Dan tried to follow but Phil pushed him down. Their waiter walked into the room, a dark chocolate cake in hand. Atop were a miniature Dan and Phil holding hands. Upon further inspection, Dan would notice he had a gold ring around his finger.

“Dan,” Phil started, getting down onto one knee. He didn’t even get to start his long, drawn-out speech about ten years of love and even more of friendship.

“Yes! Yes yes yes!” Dan squealed.

“I was just gonna ask if you wanted a piece of cake,” Phil said, suddenly serious. Dan noticed Phil was tying his shoelace and he blushed profusely.

“Oh,” he chuckled, trying to quickly step past the awkwardness.

“I’m joking, babe. You’ve been my best friend for fifteen years, my amazing boyfriend for ten. And I realised I want to spend the rest of my life with you. We’ve been happy for ten years and I can’t imagine myself with anyone else. I want us to be happy together, growing old in a flat or many a little home, enjoying the world we’ve made together over the years.” He paused, reaching into his pocket for a box. “Breaking your arm was the best thing I’ve ever done, Dan. So, would you, Daniel James Howell, give me the great pleasure of being your husband?”

Phil held a dark-grey ring in a velvet box out to Dan, who stared in wonder. The gold flecks reflected in his boyfriend’s teary eyes, making them even more spectacular.

“Phil,” he breathed out, before snapping out of his trance. “Yes, yes yes yes. You’re an absolute idiot, of course, I’ll marry you. Oh my god, get up here,” he begged, wrapping his arms around Phil’s neck and attaching their lips. Their waiter must have put the cake down as they started clapping, quickly followed by more staff and even some of the tables. Neither noticed but there was a teenage boy glaring at them and only starting to clap when he got a light slap on his wrist from his mother and a stern look.

The cut the cake together, Phil’s hand wrapped around Dan’s, and served pieces to themselves and the staff members. Even the boss of the establishment had come out to congratulate them before turning to his staff and saying they could only have a two-minute break as other customers were waiting.

After another three glasses of wine, both men were feeling tipsy. Phil clumsily paid the bill and led them outside. He hailed a taxi, this one having not been pre-booked; it wasn’t like he could magically tell the future and somehow know what time they’d be ready to leave and head home.

~~~~

They tumbled into their flat, tripping over their own and each other’s feet as they hastily headed for the bedroom. Neither was sure when it’d gotten so heated, somewhere during the cab ride, he guessed. The alcohol had clearly lowered the inhibitions and not only were they intoxicated with wine, but they were also overwhelmed with love and excitement. They were engaged, after all!

“Get. This. Off,” Phil puffed out, tugging at the jacket. The room was too hot, everything between them heated and fucking  _ sexy _ . Dan moaned out an agreement and helped Phil pull his own jacket off before unbuttoning his shirt as Phil worked at his own clothes.

They were both shirtless seconds later and Dan ran his hands over Phil’s chest. Phil moaned and grinned. “Mine,” he whispered pulling Dan’s hand up to his lips so he could kiss the ring on his finger.

“Your’s,” Dan agreed. They climbed onto the bed and attached their lips not for the first time that night.

Phil moved his lips to attack Dan’s neck, drawing a low moan out from the man below him. He palmed him lightly through his suit pants before pulling back and sitting against Dan’s knees.

“These things are coming off. Now,” he growled, pulling at the offending fabric.

“Fine with me,” Dan moaned, lifting his hips to help Phil pull his pants down.

“Fuck,” Phil whined - and that was a new sound - before leaning up and kissing Dan’s lips lightly. “You’re so hot, Dan,” he complimented, rolling his still clothed hips into Dan’s.

“You like them?” Dan asked, referring to the pink lace panties that clung to his hips tightly.

“Is that actually a question?” Phil returned, pulling his own pants off.

“I guess not.”

Phil moaned as he pressed his now naked hips against Dan’s. “S- fuck,” he groaned.

“W-want you to fuck me with the panties on,” Dan suggested, digging his nails lightly into Phil’s back. He knew Phil liked that, as long as it wasn’t too harsh.

“Fuck, yes, Dan, oh my god I love you,” Phil whined out. Dan was already being flipped around on the bed so he was on his hands and knees. Phil quickly grabbed the lube and began thrusting his finger in and out of Dan slowly and carefully. Even if they were both desperate, preparation was an important step and Phil loved Dan too much to ever rush or, god forbid, skip it entirely.

“Phil, hurry up,” Dan complained, forcing his hips down and further onto Phil’s two fingers.

He obliged, carefully adding a third finger before pounding them in and out of Dan.

“P-Phil-Phil,” he repeated, desperate for more. “Phil, ready, please, Phil” he whined. Phil finally caved to his fiancé’s wishes and removed his fingers. “Want-want to ride you, Phil,” he said as Phil lubed himself up. He couldn’t help moaning as he bucked into his hand, Dan’s words turning him on more than he thought possible.

“As you wish,” he said, dropping onto the bed and letting Dan climb over him. He quickly lined himself up with Phil’s cock and sunk down onto it, both of them moaning aloud as he did so. Dan squeezed around Phil’s dick, enjoying the feeling of being filled again.

Phil couldn’t help it as he bucked up, causing Dan to bounce on his dick. They worked up a quick rhythm of Dan pulling himself up and slamming his hips back down against Phil. He changed his angle and moaned so loud Phil decided the entire apartment block could hear them. He didn’t care; he loved that everyone would know Dan was his.

When Phil got close, he warned his partner, who only whined and nodded. Dan got incoherent when he was close to orgasming and Phil could help but find it adorable as he wrapped his hand around Dan’s dick, spit making his hand smoother as he slid it up and down.

He matched the strokes with Dan’s hips and soon they were both cumming, moaning loud as Phil’s load shot inside Dan and Dan’s landed across both their chests.

They collapsed against each other, their breaths tangling. Phil carefully maneuvered Dan so he could pull out and then cleaned them both up quickly.

After they were both decently clean, Phil snuggled into bed, Dan cuddling him as he did so.

“Sleep well, my beautiful fiancé,” Phil whispered, kissing Dan’s even more curly hair.

“Night Phil; I love you,” he replied sleepily.

“Love you too.”


	17. Fighting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp17: Fighting, mentions of drinking/alcohol.

Both of them were stressed. It was obvious with the ways they’d run around the flat, grabbing keys and phones before running out the flat and towards the tube. Whose idea it had been to move back south and have their wedding within three months was irrelevant.

Dan knew it was his fault though, so when Phil snapped at him for asking what he wanted for dinner, claiming it “wasn’t important enough” to distract him from working, he knew it was his fault. He’d been the one who wanted to get married in Autumn. And while he knew he could have waited till the following year, he really couldn’t help how much he liked the idea of calling Phil his husband.

And so that had left the two of them, stressed but excited, as they planned to move back to London and get married shortly after that.

“Dan!” Phil shouted sharply, glaring at his fiancé who stood in the kitchen, broken shards of glass all around him.

“I’m okay, I’m okay,” he calmed. Phil shook his head though.

“Why are you wasting our time with this?” he snapped, finding the dustpan and broom from under the sink.

“Well I didn’t purposely go and break the jug, did I?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” Phil replied, already scooping the glass while Dan’s feet stayed perfectly still to avoid a glass-in-foot incident. “You’re so bloody needy, Dan. You sure you didn’t break it on purpose?”

“Wha- Phil, come on.”

“Do you realise how much I’ve got to do? And now I’ll have to somehow find time to replace the jug,” Phil muttered. His voice was seething and Dan could tell he was really pissed at the accident. If he could, Dan would have run to his room. Alas, he was stuck in the kitchen as Phil cleaned and complained.

“I can get it-” Dan tried, hoping to soothe his fiancé.

“You’ll just break it again. You’re so useless Dan. I’ll just do everything and you can just sit on the couch and be lazy; it’s what you’re best at anyway.”

Dan held back the tears until he could flee the room, Phil shouting at him for not helping as he left.

~~~~

He wished he could say that was the first and last time. But it wasn’t. It was the first, yes, but most definitely not the last.

It became a game almost; how close could Dan get to pissing Phil off until he’d explode. Dan had, in turn, started defending himself too, claiming he was doing plenty of work as well and that Phil just couldn’t see it.

Their arguments became more and more frequent. Dan hated the night he wondered if they even should get married. _No_ , he reminded himself. _Phil loves me; he’s just stressed. We’re both stressed._

And how Dan wished he was right in his thoughts.

The night before they were due to leave, when their flat was filled with boxes of memorabilia and stories of their past, everything came to a halt. Their wedding was in a month and the two were really feeling the stress. Their arguments were daily by now, and while it had never gotten physical, Dan could tell Phil was holding back slaps at points. And that scared him. How terrible of a fiancé could he be if he was making Phil - the most peaceful person in the world - want to hit him?

“Where. The fuck. Did you. Put. The paper?!” Phil snapped, pausing to glare and accent his words.

“In the folder you told me to! You must have packed it!” Dan defended. He wasn’t in the wrong; he knew that.

“You’re so bloody useless Dan. I _told_ you to keep them separate from everything else so this _wouldn’t_ happen! Why can’t you follow simple orders?!”

“I’m not your fucking servant! I’m your fiancé!”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t be!” Phil fired back. Seconds later, Dan had turned and run from the room, the apartment door slamming shut behind him. The flat was eerily silent, no arguments taking place now. “Shit, shit, shit,” he mumbled to himself, frantically grabbing his phone to dial Dan’s number.

_“Hey! You’ve called Dan. I’m busy so I’ll call you back later. Bye!”_

_“Hey! You’ve called Dan. I’m busy so I’ll call you back later. Bye!”_

_“Hey! You’ve called Dan. I’m busy so I’ll call you back later. Bye!”_

Phil touched his cheek, feeling the told tears sliding down his cheeks. He sent a message to Dan telling him he was sorry and that he loved him and that he hoped he was safe and would come home soon.

Dan never replied.

~~~~

Dan didn’t return until the early hours of the morning. Phil was asleep on the couch, phone in hand and tear tracks on his face.

“Phil,” he whispered, lightly poking his (possible) fiancé’s shoulder. He grumbled, rolling over and into the couch cushions before rolling back subconsciously. “Phil,” he said a little louder, poking a little harder.

He groaned and blinked open his eyes, hissing at the harsh lights from the ceiling. “Dan?” he asked sleepily.

“Yeah, I’m here.” Dan took a seat beside him on the couch, his body aligned with Phil’s thighs.

“I was so worried,” he continued.

“I know; I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorrier. I’m just- stressed I guess? I know that’s no excuse; I shouldn’t take it out on you. I’m so glad we’re getting married and I love you so so much.”

“I love you too, Phil.” Dan lined his lips up with Phil, kissing him for the first time in what felt like months but was in reality only weeks.

“Where’d you go?” Phil asked now, sitting up and standing slowly. He took Dan’s hand and led them back to the bedroom so they could get a proper night’s sleep.

“To a bar. I just- I needed to forget for a while but I knew you’d be disappointed so I only had like two drinks.”

“I’m glad. And nothing else happened?”

“N-no; I’m fine, promise.”

“We’ll make it through this, Dan. I know you’re stressed - I am too - but fighting isn’t a way to deal with it.”

“What do you think of working on things together from now on?” Dan suggested, smiling.

“Sounds great,” Phil grinned.

“I love you, my future husband,” Dan said cheesily, snuggling into Phil.

“I love you too; you’re my forever, Love.”

“You’re my forever too.”


	18. Wedding Vows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp18: None!

Because it was Dan, and Dan didn’t care for gender roles, he’d decided to wear a dress for his wedding. He’d helped do up Phil’s tie, his very-soon-to-be husband still not knowing how to do them. Some would say they shouldn’t see each other before the wedding, that it was bad luck to do so, but neither of them believed in that. At this moment, they believed they’d be together forever, and no amount of supposed ‘bad luck’ would ruin that.

“You ready?” Phil whispered into the quiet room. There was a gorgeous white dresser, unfortunately signifying this was the bride’s dressing room.

“Fucking stereotypes,” Dan had hissed as he entered the room, Phil’s fingers locked with his. Phil had just laughed, heading to the wardrobe where their outfits were hanging.

“Yeah,” Dan breathed out a little shakily. He grinned but his fear still came through in his eyes. Phil could always read Dan’s eyes.

“It’s only our friends and family out there. No one will judge you,” he said carefully. Dan had stopped wearing dresses after being teased about them repeatedly. He’d decided though that the wedding was about him and Phil, no one else, and so he should wear what makes him happy.

“I know, but the minister-”

“The minister nothing. Dan, this is our day, don’t let anyone ruin it.”

Dan huffed out a tired breath; he’d been fighting with himself over this for a while. “You’re right,” he sighed. He leaned forward to kiss Phil but his fiancé backpedalled.

“Na ah; no kissing before the wedding.”

“I thought we didn’t believe in bad luck?” Dan countered, leaning in to try and kiss him again. He tripped over the very end of his dress though and fell directly into Phil’s chest.

“Well we might now,” he laughed, helping Dan stand back up.

Dan frowned. “Just one kiss?”

“Dan, you almost tripped.”

“So?” he whined.

“You’ll get to kiss me soon, don’t worry,” he said, laughing.

He walked from the room in his suit, Dan’s mother running in seconds later.

“Oh hun; you’re gorgeous,” she complimented, coming forward to wrap her arms around him.

“Thanks, mum,” he laughed.

“Are you ready? Phil’s going to be at the stand any minute now.”

“Yeah, I think I am.”

“You think?” she gasped, hand on her chest in mocked shock.

“Fine, fine. I know I’m ready,” he smiled.

“Never thought I, a woman, would be walking my son down the aisle in a dress,” she said.

“You know how I feel about gender roles,” he answered.

“Oh I do, don’t worry. I remember as a kid, you’d go into my wardrobe and try on my dresses. I had to sit you down at five years old and ask if you felt like a girl on the inside, just with boy parts.”

“Yeah, let’s not talk about my ‘boy parts’ when I’m about to get married. I don’t need to be the colour of a tomato.”

“I’ll leave that till after the ceremony,” she then said. She felt the controller in her back pocket (yes, pocket; she was wearing a grey button-down shirt and dress pants to make Dan happy) buzz, telling her they were ready out in the hall. “You ready to go?” she asked one last time.

“Yeah, definitely.”

The familiar tune of  _ Yuri On Ice _ began to play. It had become their song ever since Dan skated to it all those years ago. They’d got it professionally slowed down so it was more appropriate for a wedding and Dan loved listening to the melody; it reminded him of the years of laughs and cuddles and fun times in bed. Phil felt a tear slip from his eye as he realised how truly happy he was.

“Love,” Mrs Lester smiled warmly, wiping the tear from his cheek with her wrinkled hands.

“I’m ready,” he repeated himself, nodding to confirm his readiness to his mother.

The doors swung open and revealed Dan to the room of friends and family. He smiled as he started walking slowly, relying far too much on his mother to remain upright. She didn’t seem to notice, or if she did, she certainly didn’t mind. It was a bit stereotypical, Dan wanting to be walked up the aisle, but it was his wedding, after all; he could have whatever he wanted on his and Phil’s special day.

His mother kissed his hand before passing him off to his future husband, taking a seat next to her own husband with tears in her eyes.

“Good afternoon ladies and gentleman and everyone else. Welcome to the Achnagairn House, where we are here today to celebrate the love of these two men. The ceremony will unite Daniel James Howell with Philip Michael Lester in marriage. We are here to celebrate their union and to honour their commitment to each other. Today both individuals will proclaim their love for one another and will become a legally recognised couple. We celebrate with them and for them.”

After a long and winded speech from the minister about laws and love, it became time for them to share their vows.

“Daniel James Howell, I have known you for so many years and they have been the best of my life. From the moment I fell from that tree, I knew you were someone special who I had to keep close. I can honestly say, breaking your arm was the best thing I’ve ever done. As someone who believes in fate, I think we were destined to meet, whether it was through me falling on you or another way. I believe the universe knew we were meant to be together. I realised from quite young that I loved you, and I remember being so afraid to tell you. But I did, and I’m so so glad I did, because who knows where we’d be if I hadn’t. But this isn’t about me being thankful for myself,” he paused to laugh a little.

“From the moment I looked into your eyes and saw the brown and gold that forms honey, I knew I was in deep. When you started telling me how much you liked Anaya, I realised I liked you like you liked her; that was when I really and truly acknowledged how much I loved you. And I still do love you. Somehow my heart grows every day and waking up to your smile is the best present I’ve ever received. So, I guess what I’m trying to say, is that you, Daniel James Howell, is the best damn thing that’s ever happened to me and I’d be lost without you. I’m so happy to be standing here today, with our friends and family, to celebrate our love.”

Dan grinned as Phil finished, wiping his tears away with one hand before reconnecting it with Dan’s.

“Philip, Michael Lester,” Dan began, already hiccuping his way through tears. “I love you so so much, and I’ve never been more thankful to break a bone in my life,” he chuckled. “When I was younger, I thought I’d only ever need my wonderful mother. I didn’t see a need to have anyone else in my life. But Pj came along and forced me to join the soccer team even though he knew I hated running. I’m so so glad he did though, because we never would have met if he hadn’t. And meeting you really was the best thing to ever happen to me, even if it physically hurt for a little bit.” Phil laughed a little at that.

“You were the first to sign my cast, and even if you’d only come to say sorry, it still meant a lot to me. I thought we could have been friends. Little did I know, you’d be so much more than a friend fifteen years into the future. I’ve had so many wonderful memories with you and I’m excited for the many more we’ll get to share in the future. You’ve been with me through so, so much and I’ll never be more grateful for someone’s existence. So, Philip Michael Lester, standing here today, with everyone watching, I’m happy to share how much I love you.”

The audience burst into applause as they had with Phil’s vows. The two barely noticed though as they stared into each other’s eyes, swimming in blues and browns and crystal tears.

“Phil!” someone from the audience shouted. Phil’s head snapped in their direction, eyes landing on Merida, Rich’s girlfriend. She nodded her head to the minister and Phil spun to see him watching with kind eyes.

“It’s time to exchange rings,” he said gently.

“Oh, right,” Phil stuttered. He hadn’t realised the two of them had got caught up in each other, nothing else mattering but them.

“Philip Michael Lester, do you take Daniel James Howell to be your lawfully wedded husband, to be loving, faithful and loyal to him for the rest of your lives together?” the minister asked.

“I do,” he smiled. The minister nodded to Anaya, the ring bearer, and she stepped forward, the two rings on a pastel blue pillow which matched Dan’s dress and Phil’s tie. Phil took the ring that belonged to Dan and gently slid it onto his finger, grinning even harder at the sight.

“Daniel James Howell, do you take Philip Michael Lester to be your lawfully wedded husband, to be loving, faithful and loyal to him for the rest of your lives together?” the minister repeated, facing Dan this time.

“I do,” he breathed out, barely loud enough for the audience to hear. He fumbled with the ring and slid it onto Phil’s finger, linking their hands again after they were exchanged.

“I now pronounce you, husbands. You may now kiss.” Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck with a smile and smashed their lips together, love and affection pouring through in the form of tounges and gentle touches.

~~~~

The speeches from family and friends were only mildly embarrassing. Sure, Mrs Howell had certainly tried, but with Phil by his side, loving every part of him, things became less embarrassing. They’d stumbled home into the flat, wide grins on their faces and eyes only for each other. Anaya, who was the driver, had teased them but they hadn’t cared. They had each other, nothing else mattered.

And when they fell on the bed that night, with was with a warming thought.

They were husbands. And would be forever.


	19. Adoption

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp19: References to homophobia, references to self-harm/relapsing, references to drug buying/selling/addiction (not dnp tho).

“I want a baby,” Dan whispered into the quiet of their room. They lay naked in their bed, sheets and limbs tangled around them.

“I want kids too,” Phil whispered back. “Only if you’re sure though.”

“Yeah; yeah I am. I’d really like having a baby to look after.”

“Okay then, Love. We can have a look at adoption agencies tomorrow; how does that sound?”

Dan yawned. “Sounds great.”

~~~~

It hadn’t taken them long to find an agency they liked and who liked them. The first two they’d gone to had shot their hopes to pieces, spitting hateful words at them. Each night that happened, they cuddled each other on the couch, whispering words to each other of comfort and love. They knew they’d never hurt their kids; they just needed to prove that to others.

“Mr Howell-Lester?” the lady on the phone asked.

“Yes, this is Phil,” he’d answered, nodding to Dan when he’d raised his eyes in question.

“We’ve got a young girl in need of a home. She’s just turned six months. Her father was never in her life and her mother was just sentenced to prison for drug dealing. Anyway, would you like to come meet her?”

“Uh, can I check with Dan?”

“Of course,” she hummed.

“Okay, uh, give me a second.”

Phil quickly relayed the information he’d heard to Dan who jumped up from the couch, grabbing his and Phil’s wallets and his phone. “Let’s go!” he ushered, already up and ready to go meet their possible daughter.

“Dan’s super keen. We’ll be there in fifteen minutes if that works for you?”

“Of course, see you soon, lovelies.”

“Thank you! Bye!” Phil said excitedly. He quickly pocketed his phone and wallet before grabbing Dan’s hand and leading them out of the house, keys in hand.

When they met their daughter, it was love at first sight. Dan instantly ran to the little girl, whose big brown eyes - the same colour as Dan’s - looked up at him with a smile.

“Hello there,” he said carefully, holding a finger towards the girl’s hand. She wrapped her small chubby fingers around his and hiccuped, giggling as she squeezed Dan’s finger.

“What’s her name?” Dan asked keenly, stepping back from the girl so Phil could say hello.

“Maria Anne, but as she’s so young you may change it with the adoption papers.”

Dan and Phil looked at one another with smiling eyes. “It’s a beautiful name,” Dan decided.

“Maria Anne Howell-Lester,” Phil agreed.

“So you’d like to adopt her?” Lacy, the woman who’d been working with them for a year as they tried to get a baby, asked excitedly.

“Can we, Phil? Please,” Dan whined, acting like a child himself.

“Of course,” Phil smiled. “Welcome to the family, little Maria,” he said to the baby who laughed and giggled again, a snot bubble popping on her face.

Lacy tucked a blonde curl behind her ear and nodded. “We’ll just need to sign some papers and you can take her home.”

And so the two signed their papers, stating that Maria Anne would become their daughter legally and that they were from then onwards her guardians and were responsible for her safety and wellbeing.

“And the last one, here,” she said, pointing to yet another dotted line. Dan quickly signed, followed by Phil. Their hands linked together as Lacy piled the papers and slid them into a folder. “Congratulations, Mr and Mr Howell-Lester. You are now the guardians of six-month-old Maria Anne Howell-Lester,” she said formally.

The couple grinned at each other, spinning when someone coughed. Behind them was their new daughter dressed in a small pink dress, eyes wide as she glanced around the room.

The woman holding her passed her over to Dan who shielded her close to his chest. “Hello there,” he cooed, bouncing the baby lightly.

“Our little Maria, welcome to your new family,” Phil grinned, side-hugging Dan and tickling his daughter’s tummy, causing gurgles to come from her mouth.

“You ready to go home?”

“Yep,” Phil said, grabbing the certificate and paperwork and giving Lucy a hug for the both of them. “Thank you so much for this. You have no idea how happy she’s already making us. We’ll take really good care of her, promise.”

“I know you will,” she smiled. She walked over to Dan. “Goodbye, Maria. We only knew each other for a few hours but you’re going to love your new family, I just know it.”

~~~~

Dan refused to let go of his daughter for a good ten minutes after she became his. Phil wanted to hold her too but he understood this was a massive deal to Dan. He’d taken the rejections hard - even harder than Phil - and had relapsed because of one of them. The man who had checked their home had been incredibly homophobic and incredibly rude. Phil had kicked him out quickly but Dan had already run to the bathroom and broken a razor blade so he could damage himself. When Phil asked why, he said he felt like they’d never be able to have a kid, that everyone would always think they were evil just because they loved each other. Phil had helped show him that they weren’t evil, that they’d get a baby eventually, even if it was through surrogacy which had quite different rules and requirements.

They’d decided to walk home, taking the time with their new daughter. “Do-do you want to hold her?” Dan asked quietly. Maria was sleeping despite the loud street sounds, and while Dan was scared for her to leave his arms, he knew Phil was trustworthy and wouldn’t take his baby away from him. She was his baby too, for God’s sake.

“Are you sure?” he asked. Always so considerate for Dan and his needs.

“She’s your daughter, of course I’m sure.”

Phil smiled and nodded and Dan carefully handed over the seventeen-pound baby. “Careful,” Dan panicked, arms flailing to protect her if she happened to fall from Phil’s arms.

“It’s okay; I’ve got her.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise. I understand, Love. But Maria is ours now, and no one can take her away from us.”

They’d decided to stop by a park near their home where a young kid came up to them and asked the baby’s name.

“Maria,” Dan had answered, smiling.

“That’s my Mama’s name” the boy had said.

“And where is your Mama?” Phil realised, looking around for another parent there.

The boy pointed to a woman with a toddler in her arms, a man - presumably this boy’s father - beside her.

“Matthew!” the man called.

“I gotta go now. Bye-bye, Maria! Goodbye Sirs!” the boy said quickly before running off to his parents.

“You ready to head home?” Phil eventually asked.

“Yeah. Let’s show little Maria her new home. I hope she likes everything we got for her,” Dan worried aloud, already standing and taking the baby back of Phil. He’d had her sleeping in his arms for the past half hour but she’d woken up minutes ago and instantly started crying. Dan, already being the protective parent he was, demanded that he was the one to comfort her, taking the baby from Phil’s arms and cradling her close. While she didn’t stop crying, she did start to quiet a little.

“Welcome home, Maria,” Phil whispered to the sleeping baby.

Dan smiled at his husband. “We have a daughter,” he laughed, tears wetting his voice and his eyes. “A beautiful, beautiful daughter.”

“We do. We finally have a little family, Dan. Our little family.”

“Maybe we can expand it one day?”

“I’d like that,” Phil smiled, kissing his husband’s head and then his daughter’s. “You put her to bed and I’ll get dinner sorted.”

Later that night, after dinner had been eaten and they’d fallen asleep curled up in bed, Maria awoke. Cries instantly filled the apartment, waking up the two sleeping husbands.

“Here we go,” Dan joked, already sitting up and wiping his eyes.

“You go now and I’ll go next?” Phil bargained, eyes closed as he rested his head. He wasn’t even trying to stay awake for their daughter.

“Sounds good,” Dan laughed, kissing Phil quickly before running from the room and into his daughter’s (which had been a guest room before it was turned into a nursery).

It was an hour later Dan returned to bed. He was immediately swallowed in a hug by Phil but he didn’t mind. He had a wonderful husband, a great home, and now a beautiful little girl too.


	20. Relapsing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp20: References/mentions of self-harm (nothing graphic), talk of postpartum depression.

“Dan!” His head snapped up, immediately meeting Phil’s already red eyes.

He wasn’t thinking straight when he stood and ran to the bathroom. All he could think was Phil couldn’t stop him. He needed this and Phil was going to stop it. “Daniel get out here now!” Phil shouted, panic lacing his entire voice.

Maria, who was supposed to be asleep in her crib, burst out crying, most likely at the sound of her father shouting. Phil, who would normally bolt to his daughter the second she made a sound, found himself not even noticing it. Instead, he focussed only on Dan, who was locked in the bathroom doing God knows what to himself.

“Dan! Please!” Phil pleaded. Their daughter was steadily getting louder and Phil took a second to realise how poor of a father he was being. But, while realistically knowing Dan wasn’t attempting suicide, he figured a short while of crying was worth having two fathers to actually cry to.

The crying from inside the bathroom slowed to a near stop, Maria’s sounds the only ones to be heard in the flat.

“Daniel!” Phil cried again. He banged on the door to no effect. No sound. Just silence from within the bathroom. Phil didn’t bother to wipe his tears as he collapsed against the wall, knees against his chest and arms wrapped around them. “Dan please, you can’t do this. I need you; Mary needs you.”

Phil didn’t try getting in. He knew Dan would be okay. He’d be alive, he knew that. Dan hadn’t been suicidal in years and he trusted Dan enough to tell him if he felt like that again. He’d promised him he would. But, then again, Dan hadn’t told him he’d been feeling low enough to cut. He hadn’t told him he was even depressed again. Sure he’d been a little withdrawn but they’d been busy with their new baby and work. They’d only had Maria for a month and everything was so new.

Phil realised suddenly that he needed to get into that bathroom. He couldn’t just trust Dan not to hurt himself to the point of death. He couldn’t trust Dan to stop. He couldn’t trust Dan, full stop.

He ran to the kitchen where they kept the keys. How had he forgotten they had a spare for every lock in the house. He quickly - or as quickly as he could considering his hands were shaking like crazy - he found the key with the tag reading ‘bathroom’ and ran back down the hall, ignoring his crying daughter and feeling awful because of it.

He jammed the key in the lock and twisted, listening for a click that never came. Still, he tried the handle and thankfully the door swung open.

Dan was sat on the toilet lid, biting into the side of his hand likely from pain. His right arm was lacerated, covered in cuts and bright red blood.

“Dan, shit, why’d you do this?” Phil stuttered, already grabbing the blade off the floor and chucking it in the bin. He grabbed the antiseptic and the bandages next.

“Is Mary okay?” Dan asked instead of answering.

“You think I checked? While you were in hear doing this to yourself?” Phil asked, shocking himself with how angry he sounded.

“She’s your daughter,” Dan argued, letting Phil clean out his cuts. He’d learnt not to argue with Phil when he did this, it never ended well and it always made Phil more upset.

“She’s your daughter too. You can’t do these things, Dan. I can’t look after both of you.”

“You don’t-”

“I do, Dan, unless I can trust you enough. You can’t do this; it isn’t just you and me anymore. Mary needs us; she needs you.”

“I’m sorry,” Dan whispered, holding the bandage to his arm so Phil could wrap it around.

“Can you tell me why?” Phil asked in an equally quiet tone. After the bandage was wrapped, he took Dan’s hands and led him out of the bathroom to their daughter’s crib.

Phil picked Maria out of her crib and rocked her a little before gently holding her out for Dan. His husband, however, didn’t accept their daughter; his feet back-peddled and he tripped, falling to the floor. “I don’t want to hurt her,” Dan whispered, tears already streaming his cheeks again.

“What? Why would you think that? You won’t hurt her; you’re a great father,” Phil comforted, kneeling down beside Dan and helping him sit up against the wall. Phil tried again to pass him the baby girl but Dan shook his head, shoving his hands under his butt as his body shook.

“Keep her away,” Dan stuttered out through bated breath. Phil pulled her back to his chest, realising trying to get Dan to hold her was only causing panic. He rocked her as he took a proper seat on the ground.

“What’s wrong, Dan?” Phil asked, desperate for answers.

“W-Want to hurt her,” Dan forced out, chocking on a sob.

“What?” Phil asked, subconsciously pulling their daughter closer. He knew Dan would never hurt her but his mind decided she was in desperate need of protection.

“S-she cries all-l the t-time, I j-just want-t it t-to stop-p,” Dan stuttered out. “I d-dreamt of h-hurting h-her las-st n-night-t; d-drown-ning her in-n the b-ath.”

“Is that why you hurt yourself?” Phil said, finally putting the pieces together.

“Y-yeah. Don’t-don’t want t-to hurt-t her.”

“You aren’t a bad father, Dan,” Phil said decisively. “How about we drop Mary off at your mother’s and then go to the doctors. You can explain to them what you feel. Maybe you can go see the nice therapist with the red hair again?”

Dan probably wasn’t thinking too clearly as he nodded and agreed. Normally it took a lot more arguing but he was glad it didn’t this time.

“Come on,” Phil urged, helping Dan off the ground with one hand, Maria falling asleep in his other arm.

Phil quickly arranged them, changing Maria’s diaper and packing a small back of belonging for her. They caught a taxi around to Dan’s mum’s house, dropping off the baby with only a quick explanation, not that she needed it. She loved looking after Maria almost more than Dan and Phil themselves.

The wait at the doctors was surprisingly quick and when they’d gone in and Dan had explained his feelings through tears, the doctor explained it was a common phenomenon. The technical term was postpartum depression. She explained that it often happened because of mood swings after giving birth but explained that men could also have the same affects. If the baby slept poorly, sleep deprivation was a common prerequisite for the disorder.

The doctor prescribed the medication Dan used to take and knew worked for him. He was also given a referral for a doctor who specialised in postpartum depression. When Dan raised his concerns about not being a typical patient - and by that meaning he had a dick and hadn’t given birth - she’d explained Dr Willson dealt with all kinds of patients, men and women, adoption, birth, even people fostering teenagers.

So when they left the doctor’s office equipped with new information, they felt strong. They’d get past this, and with the help of medication and therapy, Dan would get back on his feet.

The worst part wasn’t the thoughts or what Dan had done to himself as punishment. It was the thought that if Dan had been any less strong, their daughter might very well have not been with them anymore.

While Phil trusted Dan with his life, he berated himself for not trusting him with Maria’s.


	21. New Family Member

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp21: None? Just a fuck tonne of fluffy goodness.

By the time Maria turned four, she’d realised how much she loved dogs. She desperately wanted a puppy and Dan and Phil did too but the apartment block didn’t allow dogs. Cats were fine for some reason but dogs were against some code of conduct. Neither had really bothered to listen to the reason, simply disappointed in the fact that they’d never be allowed a fluffy friend in their home.

Luca had also joined the family by this point. He was a two-year-old and a handful - hence the term ‘terrible two’s’ - on his own. Mrs and Mr Howell and Mr Lester both loved looking after the kids though, so if the two men ever needed a day off, the grandparents were more than happy to take the kids to the park or to have them for a movie night.

It was with all their interests in mind, that the two adults agreed to move. The apartment was much too small for a family of four, let alone any more if they chose to expand their family anymore.

So with Maria at preschool and Luca at his grandma and grandpa’s house, they’d arrived at the first home they’d planned to look at that day. They’d decided early on they’d wanted a house rather than another apartment; something they could properly call theirs and not a place with restrictions. And so for the third time in their lives, they set out looking for another place to call home, to raise their kids in a loving and safe neighbourhood.

It had taken a few weeks of house visits but eventually, they found one they loved. It fit perfectly for their little family and there was a decent backyard, meaning they could easily have pets.

It was a decent-sized cottage-like home. It was made from smoothed bricks and had a lovely little path leading up to the porch, a garden out front. To the two childlike men, it looked like it had come straight out of a fairytale. Inside was just as gorgeous and quaint as the out. It was two stories so there was plenty of room to live. Downstairs was a bathroom, study, kitchen and lounge. It was quite open planning with Dan liked, knowing he could be cooking in the kitchen while also keeping an eye on his kids. Phil also liked the idea of open living.

Upstairs had a small landing connected to a small second lounge, a hallway leading off that to the master bathroom, which had an ensuite, another bedroom to the left of the hallway and a bathroom to the right. By the landing and second lounge were another two bedrooms.

The home was perfect, and somehow within their budget. And so after withdrawing a mortgage from the bank, they wrote a check and filed the last rent date with their current landlord.

Everything was set, all they had to do was inform the kids of their new home and then move.

The children took it better than the two fathers thought they would have. Maria was excited to have her own bedroom and was already talking about different wallpapers she could have as well as toys and where she’d put them. She was quite an organised kid, something both Dan and Phil were proud of.

Luca didn’t really understand, simply waddling over to Phil with his arms up. “We, move?” he asked carefully.

“Yes Luca, we’re moving,” Phil nodded, picked up his son and resting him on his hip.

“Where to?”

“Where are we moving?” Dan asked, leaning down to be at Maria’s height. The girl nodded, twisting side to side in the way kids did when they weren’t sure what to do with their body.

“We’re moving to a house, no more flats for us,” Dan explained, hoping she’d at least catch the gist of what he was saying. “You know how Lacy lives with her Mummy and Daddy in a building all of their own?” When Maria nodded, he continued. “Well, we’re going to live somewhere like that too.”

“We’re gonna live with Lacy!?” she asked excitedly, and Dan realised his mistake. Luca had also caught on, recognising the name as Maria’s friend and instantly demanding - well, attempting to string together words that sounded like a demand - for his playdate (Louise’s son) to live with them too.

“No, sorry sweets. Lacy wants to stay with her parents. You can visit all the time though, we promise.”

“Okay, Daddy,” she conceded. And so, a week later, Maria and Luca were dropped off at Poppy’s house to stay for the weekend.

~~~~

The move itself was relatively quick and unstressful, especially without two small children running around and demanding attention. They set up the bedrooms first, then the downstairs lounge. The kitchen and bathrooms were already arranged; they each just needed the accessories that made the rooms function as they should. They placed a few bean bags in the upstairs lounge and filled a cupboard with all their board-games.

They’d been working for hours with no break but by 4 pm, they’d finished unpacking the boxes. There were two in Maria’s room and another one in Luca’s but the rest of the box-filled house was ready for living.

And, as their kids were out of the house for another night, Dan and Phil took the time for themselves. They started with a lovely candle-lit spa bath (which was in their ensuite) before moving to the bedroom.

~~~~

Two months after the move, Maria came to them again. Luca was in his room taking a nap and the parents were playing a game of chess.

“Daddy, Papa,” she interrupted politely. 

“Yes?” Dan asked, putting his piece down and looking at his daughter.

“Can I get a puppy?” she begged, instantly creating her pleading voice and (ironically) adorable puppy-dog eyes.

Dan, who was helpless to those bright brown eyes, turned to Phil.

“Mary, we’ve talked about this before,” Phil began. He hated letting their daughter down just as much as Dan did but they’d spoken about this countless times. She was too young for a dog. The plan was to get one as a Christmas present for the family; it wouldn’t be ‘her’s’ per se, but a family dog she could help look after. And if she looked after and helped out with the puppy, maybe they could get her a fish or something with less responsibility.

But for now, the puppy had to remain a surprise.

“I promise I’ll look after it!” she whined, hands clasped together.

“Mary, if Papa says no, that means no,” Dan said firmly.

“But-”

Phil cut in before she could continue to argue. “No buts, Mary. Unless you want a time-out?”

“No Papa, sorry.”

“Good girl. Now, why don’t you go play with your toys, let Daddy and I finish our game?”

“Okay!”

It was a month out before Christmas and they’d got in contact with multiple different dog breeders. They had previously decided the breed they wanted, but it was either going to be a Golden Retriever, Corgi or a husky.

When they’d got in contact with different breeders and one sent back a photo of one of the corgi puppies, they’d instantly been sold. They’d asked how much for the dog and found out it was a cross between a corgi and husky, meaning it was a little more expensive. When they’d read the email together, they shared a quick look into each other’s eyes before Phil quickly typed out a reply, asking for an approximate price range for the puppy.

Mr Lester had taken the kids for a day at the park while Dan and Phil went to collect their new puppy. As Christmas was still a week away, they’d decided Dan’s mum and dad could look after the puppy before bringing her over when they came for lunch.

But of course, the puppy needed a name. The small fluff-covered dog needed a name which showed just how gorgeous she was. She had white fur all over her, thanks to her husky mother, and light orange/gold splotches, thanks to her father. She was the cutest thing either of the men had seen (aside from their children, of course) and they’d instantly loved her.

It wasn’t until she met her grandma that they had a name. “Oh, she’s a little Cupid for sure,” Mrs Howell had said, carefully taking the dog from Dan’s hands and cradling her.

“But Cupid’s a boy,” Phil argued.

Dan turned to lightly glare at him. “Since when do we believe in gendered names. I think Cupid is perfect,” Dan argued. Phil wrapped Dan in a hug, resting his head of Dan’s shoulder as they both looked at the puppy.

“Sounds good; sorry, Love,” he whispered, kissing Dan’s cheek as well. Dan squeezed his hand, a quiet way of saying he knew Phil hadn’t meant it that way and that he was forgiven.

“Thanks for looking after her, Mum,” Dan said, kissing the puppy goodbye after hugging his mum.

“You aren’t staying for tea?” she asked.

“No, sorry, gotta get Mary and Luca from Pop’s and get home. Mary’s got a sleepover at her friend’s tonight,” Phil explained, hugging the woman as well and lightly scratching the puppy’s head, causing a small yap to come out.

~~~~

The following week was spent in eager anticipation. Luca and Mary were both ecstatic for Santa, especially after they’d gone to see him and get their photo taken.

The morning of Christmas the kids came downstairs hand in hand, Maria helping her brother down the steps so he wouldn’t fall.

Dan cuddled up next to Phil on the couch and watched their children with so much love.

“Merry Christmas!” Phil shouted as they reached the last step. Luca ran towards the tree, tripping but thankfully catching himself. Maria was equally excited but as she was almost five, she had a better understanding of how to run and made it to the tree easily.

“Merry Christmas, Daddy! Merry Christmas, Papa!” she cheered. The picked up a present and instead of sitting on the floor and ripping the wrapping off it, she walked over to her parents and held it out. “Grandma said I should give this to you,” she smiled. “Merry Christmas.”

She moved back to the tree to open her own presents before Dan or Phil got to reply but they didn’t care. They were raising a wonderful little girl who put others before herself; they couldn’t be prouder.

It wasn’t long before the grandparents all came around. Poppy arrived first, getting a warm welcome from his grandkids, his son and son-in-law. He’d settled on the couch, giving the children even more presents as if they hadn’t gotten enough already.

Mrs and Mr Howell arrived shortly after, Dan’s mother explaining that the puppy hadn’t wanted to get in the car and had kept running away. Dan kissed her on the cheek as thanks, taking the small puppy off her. Once the door was closed, he settled Cupid on the ground and she yapped, running through to the lounge where everyone else was.

The squeal of excitement from Maria was imminent and she came running to Dan, puppy in hand and jumped. “We have a puppy!” she shouted. Dan got her to stop jumping quickly and taught her how to hold the puppy safely before telling her to greet her grandparents.

“Hello, Grandma. Help, Grandpa. Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas to you too, Mary. Don’t tell your fathers but I’ve got a little surprise for you,” she’d said, not even trying to whisper so Dan couldn’t hear. Dan already knew what it was anyway so it didn’t matter. It was simply a fun little game for her.

She nodded excitedly and led her grandparents through to the lounge even though they knew the way.

And so Dan took a seat next to Phil on the couch, watching his growing family smile and laugh, handing presents to each other as they shared stories. Maria had even done a little performance for them on the violin she’d gotten from Mr Lester. It wasn’t very good, but that didn’t matter. Their family was happy, and together. That's all that Dan or Phil could ask for.

“Love you,” Phil whispered, eyes glowing with warmth and love.

“Love you too, Philly.”


	22. Slipping Into Little Space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp22: Mention of homophobia, little-phobia(?).

“Have fun!” Phil shouted out to Dan. He’d had some uni friends coming over for a get together so Phil had decided to take the kids out for the day. Maria was next to him, holding his hand, and Luca held his other.

“Bye, my loves!” Dan shouted, back, appearing in the doorway seconds later to wave them away.

Phil led the kids out of the house and down onto the footpath. They’d been saving for a car but still hadn’t quite got enough for the one they wanted so until they could afford it, they’d taken to walking anywhere that wasn’t more than five kilometres away.

They’d walked to the mall only three days earlier but Phil had decided to take them again. It was big but not too big and Phil felt comfortable taking his kids there. The town was small and most people knew Phil and his family, even if it was only because they were the notorious ‘gay couple with kids’. It was also a pretty low-crime area, one of the reasons the two had chosen to move there in the first place.

“Can we go play?” Luca asked, excitedly tugging on Phil’s hand to lead him closer to the small indoor play area.

Maria was due to start school next year, not that she seemed to care. She was excited, in fact. She’d been running around, grinning like a child on Christmas, as she picked button-down shirts, simple suit pants and skirt-shorts for her uniform.

Luca, on the other hand, had just turned three the week before and was eager for every day he got to spend at preschool. His friends from daycare had entered with him and he loved getting to spend a few hours with his friends. He didn’t seem to care much for the actual learning, but the guardians there were all fully expecting it. It was mainly just a place to teach young kids how to interact with each other.

“Of course,” Phil answered, trailing along behind his kids as they pulled him towards the play area.

“Your kids are adorable,” an elderly woman said as Phil took a seat beside her on the sofa.

“Thanks,” he grinned, proud of his little family.

“Do they look like their mother? I see the girl’s got your hair,”

“I’m not sure; my partner and I adopted them,” he explained.

“Oh, sorry,” she replied quickly.

“It’s okay, I love them as if they were my own,” he simply answered. “Which kid is your’s?”

She looked at him sceptically before smiling. “While I’m flattered you think I’m young enough to have a kid this young, I’m actually watching over my grandsons.”

“Oh, that’s not- That’s sweet,” Phil settled on saying.

The two found somewhat easy conversation for the next half-hour before Brianna, as she’d introduced herself, had to get her grandsons home to their mothers’ before it got too late.

“My daughter and her wife will panic if I don’t get them home soon,” she’d laughed. “They’ll think I dropped dead.”

“S-sorry, did you say your daughter and  _ wife _ ?”

“Yes? You aren’t homophobic are you?” she asked, now concerned as she collected the kids from the play area.

“No no, my kids are adopted because I’m married to a man. I’d-I’d love to meet your daughter and her wife sometime?” Phil requested, blushing a bit.

She didn’t seem to notice though as she pulled out a piece of paper and a distinctly old-lady pen and wrote down eight digits.

“My daughter’s number. I’m sure she’d love to meet you and your husband. Anyway, best be going. It was lovely to meet you, Phil,” she smiled.

“It was lovely to meet you too,” Phil replied, shaking the woman’s hand before taking a seat again.

Phil had sat for another half-hour before Maria had come out, complaining that she and Luca were hungry. Phil hadn’t realised it was past their snack time so pulled out two cut up apples in a container and gave them to her. She sat at Phil’s feat on the squishy plastic mats, giving a piece of apple to her brother as she snacked on her own.

It was ten minutes later, when the kids were back to playing, that Phil received a call.

_ Incoming call from Kate… _

Phil instantly swiped to answer and held the phone up to his ear, blocking his other ear to cancel out some noise.

“Hey Kate,” he said, eyes briefly looking up when he heard a child scream only to see it was one going down the small slide.

“Hey Phil, can you get back as soon as possible? Dan’s acting really weird,” she explained into the phone. Phil was instantly set alert and stood from his seat, grabbing the backpack he’d brought and waving to Maria to grab her brother.

“What do you mean weird?” Phil asked, taking Luca’s hand and trusting Maria to walk beside him.

“He’s on the couch crying. He’s just sucking on his thumb and mumbling what Mike thinks sounds like ‘Daddy’ but I’m not sure,” she explained.

“Oh, uh, okay. I’ve got Mary and Luca so I’ll be back as soon as possible. Just, uh, talk to him. Treat him as if he’s three, okay?”

“Uh, okay, Phil,” she said, and Phil could imagine the look of confusion and probably slight disgust on her face.

“Thank you, I’ll be there soon. Call me if you need anything else.” With that, he hung up quickly and took hold of Maria’s hand. He walked speedily, only slowing down to pick Luca up as he couldn’t move all that quickly. Maria was struggling to keep up too, puffing and asking Phil why they were running.

“It’s an emergency,” Phil had said, puffing himself. He was unfit usually, not to mention the thirty-three pound, chubby toddler in his arms.

“Is Daddy okay?” she suddenly asked, picking up the pace herself.

“Yes, he’s okay. He just needs us at home right now.”

Maria nodded, not questioning anything more and beginning to run to keep up with Phil and his significantly longer legs.

He put Luca down as he came up to the porch and unlocked the front door, rushing in without bothering to lock the door.

“Hey Danny,” he whispered, their kids coming in after him with wide eyes and curious stares at the strangers in their house. “Daddy’s here; it’s okay now,” he soothed. Dan curled up next to him the second Phil sat on the couch and Phil wrapped his arms around Dan protectively.

He continued whispering quiet words of comfort to his husband as he came down from the tears and quietened aside from the sobs.

“What the fuck happened to him?” one of his friends asked.

“Kids!” Phil shouted, to which the friend blushed and quickly apologised.

“Mary, can you take your brother and go play upstairs, please? We need to have a grown-up talk here,” Phil requested. His daughter nodded and took Luca’s hand.

“Let’s go play, Luca!” she said excitedly, pulling her brother up the stairs.

Phil looked down at Dan again, wondering what had set him off. He hadn’t been little in years, since before they got Maria actually. Phil knew it was a stress relief for him, but he didn’t understand what had been stressful in Dan’s life. As far as he knew everything had been fine. He pushed his thoughts aside though; he’d have to wait for big Dan’s return before he could get answers. For now, he had to answer Dan’s friends’ questions.

“So what the hell happened to him?” Rachel demanded, causing Dan to whisper and curl into Phil’s chest further.

“Please don’t shout; it upsets him,” Phil explained. “Dan’s what you’d call a little. He gets the mindset of a child every so often, which is why I said speak to him like a three-year-old. He basically is a kid, he likes cartoons and playing with toys. That’s just how he is. He hasn’t been little in years though so I didn’t think it’d happen,” Phil tried to explain.

“And you’re what? His dad when he’s like this?”

“Yes, and no. It’s complicated. I look after him and it helps him to call me Daddy. It just works for us. If you don’t accept it or think it’s weird or whatever, you’re not welcome here.”

Of the five friends sat on the other couch or in arm-chairs, two stood and left.

“Lulu,” Dan whined, reaching out for the ginger-haired woman who was now in the doorway.

“I like you, Dan, just not as a baby, okay?” she explained, not that Dan could actually comprehend what she meant.

“Lulu,” he cried, tears now staining his cheeks again.

“Shh, shh, Danny, I’m here,” Phil soothed, nodding to Luna so she knew she could go.

The three friends that remained watched with confused but intrigued eyes as Phil comforted the little and calmed him down. Eventually though, after the outbursts and the emotional morning, Danny needed a nap. He gently put him on the couch, hugged Dan’s friends goodbye with a promise to get in contact soon, and waved them out the door.

By the time he’d returned to the couch, Dan was fast asleep, thumb in his mouth, chest rising and falling lightly.


	23. Toxic People

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp23: Homophobia, police, mention of kidnapping, mention of rape.  
> I think that’s all but as always please tell me if I miss a warning!

It was Phil’s birthday in three days and the two men had decided to take a few days off work to spend with Mr Lester. He was getting older now and they weren’t sure how much longer they had with him. Maria was almost ten and Luca was eight. Dan sometimes cried when he remembered how quickly they grew up.

“It’s not fair,” Dan would cry into Phil’s arms, watching as their kids walked into school, splitting off into their friend groups and laughing with them.

“I know, Love, I know,” Phil would whisper in agreement. He’d rub Cupid’s head before taking Dan’s hand and beginning the short trek back home.

Later that afternoon they’d received a call from the adoption agency. They’d been keen for another kid for a few months now but it had taken longer to get the qualifications to actually adopt another kid. It hadn’t helped that Dan has specified he wanted a kid with a vagina instead of just saying he wanted a girl. He’d been trying to avoid the ‘having a vagina makes you a girl’ thing but the agency hadn’t exactly seen it the same way. So they had gone home that day with no agency and a warning on their file.

“We have a four-and-a-half-year-old girl with us here, she’s very shy and refuses to speak to any women. We aren’t sure why but she’s happy talking to men. You’re the only homosexual couple in our system at the moment with other kids already and we think you’d be a great fit for her. Would you like to come down and meet her?”

And so they brought home their rather-unexpected new daughter who immediately took a liking to the family. She’d attached to Dan’s side as soon as she’d met him and Dan liked to joke that he had a second shadow. Dan didn’t mind, he loved having kids, and Phil loved little Amy just as much as his other kids, even if Dan was clearly her favourite.

So two days after bringing home their new daughter, which Phil said was secretly a birthday present from the agency, they headed up North to visit Mr Lester in Manchester. He’d moved when the kids had become old enough to go to school and when he couldn’t maintain a family home with his old fragile body. He chose Manchester so he’d be closer to his wife in his final years. He wanted to be buried beside her so he could dream they’d hold hands.

“Hi, Dad,” Phil said, holding Amy’s hand.

“Hello, Phil. Happy birthday.”

“Thanks,” he grinned. Dan followed Phil’s lead, saying hello to their dad and then getting the kids to say hello.

“This is little Amy,” Phil explained, kneeling down to her height. “This is Poppy, can you say hello to him for me?”

The little girl looked at the much larger man and ran to Dan, clutching his pants leg and hiding her face in it.

“Amy, this is your father’s dad. He’s a good man, okay love?”

“Okay,” she answered and slowly made her way back to Poppy Lester.

They shuffled inside after that and settled on the couch. They’d caught up and made their way onto the front lawn for lunch. It had a gorgeous garden that was maintained by a teenager down the street that Mr Lester paid. There was a small pebble path with Maria claimed she hated as soon as she almost tripped.

The little garden wasn’t very secluded but the street was small and everyone knew each other. It was normal to be sitting out front of your house since they all back up against a park. There wasn’t any room for a backyard so everyone had moved them to the front when the houses were built.

“I’ll go get the cake,” Mr Lester said, slowly standing up and shuffling across the path and up the step to the porch.

“Who the fuck let you get kids?!” a woman shouted and Dan and Phil’s heads snapped in their direction. Dan instantly grabbed hold of Amy’s and Maria’s hands since they were next to him. Phil took Luca’s hand as well.

“Please don’t use that language with kids around,” Phil requested, trying to remain polite.

Mrs Cole sneered. “I won’t let you keep those kids. I can only imagine the filthy things you do to them. Just wait ‘till I inform the police.”

“Look, you may be my Aunt but I won’t tolerate this. We can legally have kids, we’ve been checked multiple times and we always were cleared as safe for kids,” Phil argued back. He really just wanted his kids to be safe; he didn’t want them to have to experience such negativity.

“Fuck the law. These kids are coming with me where I can keep them safe,” she snapped. She marched forward towards the small table and Dan pulled Amy behind him, his arm protectively over Maria’s chest, holding her against him.

“You’ll do no such thing. It’d be kidnapping,” Dan said, trying to make her see how awful she was being. It didn’t work.

“You’re filthy! Groping your damn kid in public!” she roared and Dan couldn’t help himself as some primal sound resonated deep in his throat, something similar to a growl.

“I have never done such a thing!” he shouted. “I love my kids and I won’t let you touch them!”

She didn’t reply as she pulled out her phone. Dan and Phil shared a look until they heard her speak up.

“Police, and please hurry.”

“Maria, take Amy and Luca inside, please. Go get Poppy.”

Maria stepped forward to reach for Luca but she screamed as Mrs Cole snatched her arm, her nails digging in and causing Maria to whine.

“Dad,” she shouted. Dan already had her other arm and Luca had run around them to grab Amy.

After three minutes of fighting back and forth, Maria probably feeling as if she was being torn limb from limb, the police arrived. Mr Lester was still inside and Phil wondered what he was up to.

“What seems to be the problem here?” the officer asked, already walking towards the scene and removing the hands from Maria.

“This disgusting man was touching this girl. They touch all of them!” Mrs Cole argued.

“Uh-huh, and what’s your name?”

“Dan Howell-Lester.”

“And your’s?”

“Marissa Cole,” she’d said with so much power in her voice.

The officer leant over. “And what’s your name, young lady?”

“Maria,” she answered proudly.

“And did this man touch you?”

Maria didn’t need to think twice. Her father’s had always taught her to tell the full truth and that justice would come to those who deserved it.

“Yes, but he’s good.”

“What do you mean?” the officer asked again. His partner already had Dan’s wrists behind his back, ready to cuff him with the girl’s words.

“He was protecting me from her,” she said, pointing to the woman.

“Do you know her?” he asked, standing again and signifying anyone could answer.

“She’s my Aunt. These are my kids and this is my husband,” Phil explained, gesturing to everyone there.

“They touch them all the time! And he’s raped my nephew!” she screamed, pointing at Dan. Maria wandered over to her fathers, not feeling safe within reaching distance of Mrs Cole.

Mr Lester came out at that moment.

“Sorry, Sir, who are you?”

“Michael Lester, officer. Phil is my son and this is my homophobic sister,” he explained.

“Well, while, Maria your name was, right? Right, while Maria says Dan didn’t intend to attack her, a full investigation will have to happen. We’ll need you to come down to the station with us, Mr and Mr Howell-Lester. Your children can stay with relatives of your choosing.”

Dan and Phil shared a worried and confused look. Dan looked at Amy who was still clutched to his leg despite the police trying to separate them. Dan’s hands were locked behind his back but he desperately wished he could cuddle her close and tell her everything would be okay. She’d only been with them for a few days and Dan seemed to be her only support during this.

“They’ll stay with my father,” Phil decided, the officer nodded. “Maria, Luca, Amy, keep each other safe, okay? And listen to Poppy,” he requested, receiving nods all around as the police forced them into a car.

Mrs Cole was also detained once Dan and Phil explained the actual story and said she’d basically tried to kidnap their daughter. None of the officers seemed to believe them.

And even though Phil’s birthday was spent in a cell, and not with his family, he was still happy. A week after they’d been taken into custody they were released with no charges and Mrs Cole having to pay a fine for harassment. The Howell-Lester’s also had a restraining order placed so she couldn’t go anywhere near the family of five again.

“Hello, my loves,” Dan greeted, falling to his knees to cuddle his kids close. Mr Lester stood on and watched as Phil wrapped his arms around his family as well. They were together, and happy. That’s all that mattered. And stupid homophobic Marissa Cole was out of their lives for good. It might have been painful, but if the past week was necessary for them to protect their kids, both Dan and Phil would do it again in a heartbeat.


	24. Caught Out 2.0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp24: None, I think? Smut.

“Mmph, Phil,” Dan whined, stretching his neck out further to continue kissing his husband.

Phil laughed and pressed a final kiss to his lips before taking his hand and leading him upstairs, through the hallway and into their bedroom.

Their lips moulded together as the collapsed onto the bed, Dan resting his weight on top of Phil. Dan quickly pulled off his shirt, desperate to feel Phil against his skin.

It’d been months and months since they’d even made out. Having three kids tended to kill one’s sex life. At the moment though, the children were with their grandparents for the afternoon. And they were damn well taking the chance to be with each other.

He quickly unbuttoned Phil’s work shirt and pulled it over his shoulders to chuck it to the side. Pants had to come off next and the two made quick work of them.

The rest of this, though, was going to be slow. Almost as slow as their first time together, back all those years ago when they’d only been in love for a year.

Phil snatched the lube from the bedside drawer and dropped it beside him, lips trying to move down to Dan’s neck. He wasn’t having it though as he kept his mouth firmly attached to his own until he pulled away.

“I’ve got a surprise for you,” Dan whispered. He’d got the ensemble a while back in an online order but as already established, they hadn’t really had a chance. They had at least a few hours now, though, so they could take their time and have a little extra fun. Maybe they could even squeeze in round two in the shower if they were lucky.

Dan climbed off Phil, pushing him back against the bed when he tried to sit up. Phil just smirked and pushed himself up and rested on his elbows.

“You’re the best surprise life can give.”

Dan fake-gaged. “You sap,” he teased. Dan pulled a bag out that Phil recognised before running into the bathroom to hide.

“Fuck, Daniel,” Phil gasped when Dan came out. He had a black lingerie set on, knee-high socks included with straps connecting them to the corset. He had a choker around his neck and looked so damn hot. Phil moaned aloud when Dan walked over, the boy swinging his hips way more than he did naturally.

“You like what you see?” Dan grinned. He absolutely loved dressing up for Phil, especially when it’d been a while. Sure, vanilla sex was good - great even - but there was just something about the costumes that turned them on so much and added to their fun.

“You’re so damn hot,” he moaned, grabbing Dan’s hips and pulling him onto the bed.

“You gonna fuck me?” Dan whispered. “Daddy,” he breathed.

“Dan, fuck, I need to be in you right this second.”

Dan climbed up so he stood over Phil, one leg on either side of his hips. “I haven’t even been stretched yet, honey,” Dan said, and before Phil even was aware, Dan was tying Phil’s wrists together and to the headboard. Phil was confused, considering it was always the other way around (well, excluding the one time they’d tried switching roles and changed back ten minutes into the foreplay).

“Dan, the fuck you think you’re doing?” Phil asked, not actually angry but just confused and fucking  _ turned on _ . He wanted to slam Dan against the bed and pound into him, sue him.

“Silence, babe. You’ll enjoy this, trust me.” And Phil did, so he relaxed, letting Dan do what he wanted. And what he wanted was to slip a blindfold over Phil’s eyes apparently.

“Dan-”

“Shh,” Dan whispered, pressing a finger to his lips. “Trust me, Love.”

Phil nodded. “I do; it just, I don’t know, feels like this should be the other way around?”

“I know, but you’ll love this, okay babe?”

“Okay.” And so, with Phil’s explicit permission, Dan continued.

He straddled Phil’s hips, rocking into him and moaning out loud, Phil’s much deeper moan coming out at the same time.

Dan quickly shuffled out of his panties and climbed back onto Phil. He’d have to do this again sometime and have Phil see. Maybe strip tease him. Phil would like that, he was sure. Phil always said he loved Dan’s hips, during sex and everyday conversation.

Dan had already prepared himself so he grabbed the lube and warmed it up with his heated hands before curling his fingers around Phil’s dick. A groan came from his partner and Dan continued to stroke up and down, covering Phil’s cock entirely in lube.

He hovered above Phil for a split second, holding his cock up so it stood, before sinking down and joining Phil in his moan.

“Dan,” Phil breathed, bucking his hips slightly to get further into Dan.

“You stay still, okay love? Imma give you the ride of your life,” Dan smiled. And before Phil got the chance to respond, Dan pulled his hips up and slammed back down, twisting, turning and squeezing in ways he knew did wonder to Phil. The reality was that it did just as much for Dan, who found himself moaning, hitting his prostate with every bounce and fucking  _ loving it _ .

Dan would be embarrassed by how quickly both of them got close to cumming but he blamed it on the fact that it had been months since either of them had come from anything more than a quick handjob in the shower - and even they were damn well rare.

“Dan, close,” Phil puffed out.

Dan hummed and squeezed even tighter, helping Phil get closer. He pulled the blindfold off, knowing Phil loved watching Dan as he came undone.

Phil’s hand quickly wrapped around Dan’s dick and he swiped over the slit, collecting the significant amount of precome that Dan had produced.

“Daddy?”

At first, Phil thought it was just Dan speaking to him, his voice higher due to the chase of his orgasm. He realised not a split second later, though, that Dan’s voice, no matter how close to cumming, could  _ not _ get that high.

That voice could only belong to one person and that was their five-year-old daughter.

“Shit,” Phil near screamed. His fucking daughter was not supposed to be seeing this! And of course, it had to be the youngest of them all!

Dan seemed to just think Phil was even closer though as he leaned forward and kissed Phil’s chest, hips slamming up and down.

And despite Amy being in the room, Dan’s body worked wonders and he came undone with a loud moan, Dan following right behind.

As Dan collapsed next to him, he blinked open his eyes before blowing them wide open.

“Amy-” he whispered in complete and utter shock.

“Daddy,” she mumbled. “Ria said to tell you were home,” she said. And it was clear she had no clue what her fathers had been doing.

“Thank you,” Phil said. If she didn’t understand, there was no need to explain. And besides, maybe she was young enough that she wouldn’t remember when she  _ was _ old enough to understand.

So yeah, that’s what they’d decided to do. Completely ignore the fact that she’d seen them doing that and move on.

It wasn’t until a week later that they realised they were influential as parents. Amy hadn’t come down for dinner and when Dan went up to find her, she’d been bouncing up and down on top of her teddy bear.

Dan had never screamed so loud.


	25. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW For Cp25: Cancer, death, afterlife. I think that’s it!

Dan and Phil’s lips connected together as they cuddled on the small outdoor sofa. They sat on their little veranda, watching the sunset as they did every night.

They couldn’t help but feel sentimental with the end of their legacy now insight. Phil had been diagnosed with Glioblastoma, a type of cancer, earlier that day. His survival chances were small. The doctors had arranged a treatment plan for him but because the chances were so small, he’d been given the choice between staying home in his last few weeks or spending them in a hospital with only slightly more support.

He’d chosen to go home. From the day he’d proposed to Dan, he knew they’d be together forever, until the end. And when Phil said the end, he meant it. He wished to peacefully pass away in his sleep, the smell of Dan filling his nostrils. Dan, while admitting how much it would hurt to awake to Phil’s body, agreed to act as normal as possible in his final weeks. 

And so they watched the sunset, as they did every night. It had given them a chance to catch up on each other’s days when they’d been younger but now they were both retired, they spent their days together, looking after each other and smiling with wrinkled eyes and cheeks.

“Remember when we first met?” Phil asked, clearly in the mood to reminisce on their life together. Dan was too, to be honest.

“When I broke my arm? Yeah, I remember,” Dan chuckled, still sassy even in his old age.

“I apologised!” Phil declared in a squeak.

“Dad made you,” Dan laughed. “Remember prom night?”

“That was a lot of fun. Our wedding was better though.”

“I was so scared, Phil,” Dan laughed. “I loved you so much then, and I love you even more now.”

Phil spared a glance for the sun but his eyes made their way back to the chocolate browns of his husband’s.

“I love you too. And when we brought Mary home,” Phil continued.

“It’s weird to think that was over fifty years ago now.”

“It’s crazy. And we’ve got Markus and Liam now.”

“I still can’t believe she had twins!” Dan laughed. “And don’t forget Sophie,” Dan added, remembering their one-month-old great-granddaughter.

“And Liam’s wife is pregnant, isn’t she?”

“Yeah,” Dan confirmed, the smile dropping from his face. “You won’t ever meet them,” he realised.

Phil seemed to catch on too and squeezed Dan’s hand. “It’s just my time, Love. I don’t want to leave you but we can be together again.” Dan smiled sadly and kissed Phil softly.

“We can. I just- I wish I made you go to the doctors as soon as you had the cough for more than a day,” Dan said, looking out to the sun to avoid Phil’s eyes.

“Daniel.” He looked into Phil’s eyes then, the blues and greens and yellows dulling into grey. “None of this is your fault, okay? You aren’t allowed to feel guilty.”

Dan sighed. “I know, I know. I just don’t want you to go.”

“I don’t want to go either.”

“I love you.”

“I love you-” cough, “too.”

Dan’s eyes were dull too, Phil was the only one who could bring out the bright browns that they were when he was happy. Everything was dull now.

“Let’s get to bed,” Phil whispered, rubbing his wrinkled hand along Dan’s arm in a comforting motion. When his hand found its way against Dan’s cheek, the younger leaned into the warm touch, cupping his hands over Phil’s.

“I can’t lose you,” Dan whispered back, tears slipping from his eyes as the news finally hit. He’d been through the stages of grief.

Denial in the hospital room.

“No,” Dan had said with certainty. “There’s clearly a mistake. He can’t have cancer! He’s entirely healthy and has been his whole life!”

The denial had mixed with anger.

Phil took his hand, tears in his eyes at the news and Dan’s reaction. “It’s okay, Love; I’ve still got a little longer,” he tried. He felt like he should be the one being comforted but Dan needed him. He couldn’t imagine what Dan was going through; he too would be angry and hurt if it’d been the other way around.

Dan’s thoughts berated himself as he argued with the doctors.  _ What if I’d taken him to the doctors earlier? _ and  _ This is my fault, _ and  _ I love him so much, he can’t die _ .

By the time they’d left the hospital, Dan had gone quiet. He just let the doctor explain the treatments and the chances of success. None of the numbers stated was higher than ten, the word per cent usually following.

“Are you okay?” Phil had asked in the cab.

Dan simply nodded and continued looking out the window. That was the depression.

The acceptance had come when Phil brought him his favourite cup of tea and an offer to watch the sunset.

Dan had smiled warmly, kissing Phil’s cheek gently after he stood from his seat. “I’d love to.”

Phil’s eyes met Dan’s as he became aware of where he was. “I don’t want you to lose me either. I love you so much and you have to be strong. I’m sorry I have to leave you, my love.”

“Should we go to bed?”

“I think we should,” Phil agreed. The two slowly made their way off the balcony and into their bedroom.

They snuggled impossibly close that night, needing each other’s warmth to comfort them.

~~~~

The same thing happened every evening for fifty-seven days. They sat and watched the sunset together, sharing memories with each other. Phil had outlived the doctor’s expectations but eventually, his body needed an eternal rest. Seven-hour sleeps were no longer enough, and his heart gave out in his sleep.

Dan had sobbed into Phil’s chest the next morning before dressing him slowly and calling their three kids.

They all rushed over, cuddling Dan with tears on their own.

The funeral was a month later.

“Philip, Michael Lester,” Dan whispered, the attending family and friends only able to hear him because of the microphone. “You were the love of my life, and you still are. From the day I met you, I knew you were special. And you thought I was special too. We missed out of seven years together but we’ve been best friends ever since. Best friends, and soulmates.” Dan stopped, attempting to wipe away tears but they just kept coming. It was no use.

“And when you asked me to marry you, you made me the happiest man alive. We completed each other, Phil. We were only halves of ourselves before we met. But breaking my arm filled our hearts; together we made one heart, rather than two halves.

“Philip Michael Lester, you’re the bestest friend I could have ever asked for, and seeing you leave is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And so, I have one last thing I’d like to say. I’m not sharing memories, those are ours to cherish. I will say, though, that this is the most fun I’ve ever had.”

Dan wobbled off the stage, his feet unstable with his age and his sight atrocious with all the tears.

And when people said Dan and Phil couldn’t live without each other. They were telling the truth. Dan passed away two weeks after Phil’s funeral. People say he died of heartbreak. Other’s say God knew they needed each other.

~~~~

“Phil,” Dan whispered, waking up to his husband and taking a seat on the beach beside him. The sun was setting over the ocean, casting golden glows onto the sand and clouds.

“Hi, Love,” Phil whispered back, wrapping an arm around him.

“I couldn’t live without you,” Dan said, snuggling close to Phil.

“In a weird way, I’m glad you couldn’t. I need you here with me. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Dan whispered, tucking his wings into his back.

“Do you want to go home?” Phil asked, turning to kiss Dan’s head.

“I’m already home; I’m with you.” And so they sat on the beach, hand in hand. And once the sun had set, they’d take each other's hands and set off to the sky. There was no need to run. Now they could take each other’s hands and then both start flying. Running was for the living. Flying was for those who’d met their soulmates and planned for eternity together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much if you've read this all the way through! I hope you liked it!


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